Rapid Cycling Waters

New Blog...

2012-02-07T00:09:00.001+01:00

I've moved to new digs. Please follow me overe there. Thanks!

Partially cloudy...

2011-08-18T18:30:00.000+02:00

The dog and I just got back from our evening walk. It was muggy outside, but not too unpleasant because there was also a breeze moving in rain clouds. It's supposed to drizzle later this evening, an event which I look forward to. I do appreciate the occasional spot of rain, especially if it happens while I'm lying in bed and am listening to it all snug and cozy. Obviously, I assume such a thing will occur. Such expectations I have.

The dog found part of an orange and brought it home with him. He would not give it up and after mouthing it for a while, decided to eat it. It seems he liked it, but then he likes Mandarin oranges too, although he prefers them peeled. He did just drink a lot of water and no doubt that was to get the sour taste out of his mouth. He must learn these things on his own and go through the experience. He may never do that again.

I am drinking cold milk and have just taken my evening dose of medicines. I really feel that the increases are doing their job. They've made a lot of difference in my general attitude and I had not realized how long I had been depressed and struggling with it. Things sure had been difficult for a long time looking back on them now. I had almost constantly been forcing myself into better moods, or had been in search of them, and hardly ever got it right for any length of time.

I think I'm just about back to normal now, although I don't quite know what normal is. I suppose I will be normal when I stop wondering about that. When I will just accept it as a given and not spend any time worrying about it. Just like I accept the fact that I have blond hair and blue eyes. Those aren't things I lie awake about or have to assure myself of.

It's gotten quite dark in the living room. The sky is now completely clouded over. It looks like it's going to rain any minute. I will have to turn on some lights because I can hardly see the corners of the room.

I have put clean sheets on the bed and a load of laundry in the washing machine. I have to take the dry laundry down from the drying rack. It will all have to be folded and put away. Luckily, everything has its place. There will be no need to get frustrated. Thank goodness for organized shelves.

I've got to finish doing my chores. The dishes need to get done still too. They're my least favorite one.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

The darn dog...

2011-08-16T07:09:00.005+02:00

I had gone to sleep again after having been up in the middle of the night to write a post for one of my other blogs. I was comfortably dozing when the darn dog started to bark and startled me awake. I hate it when that happens because I have to get him quiet as quickly as possible. I don't want the neighbors to complain.

Needless to say, now I'm up again early in the morning when I wasn't ready to be at all. I was planning on sleeping at least a few more hours until the Exfactor got here to do the groceries. You could say that I'm a little bit disappointed. On top of that, I have to drink coffee with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone.

I'm telling myself that this is not such a horrible thing and that it really doesn't taste all that bad. If you don't put too much of it in your coffee it doesn't taste all that awful and it is better than drinking it black. If you believe in this strongly enough, it will give you faith and the courage to drink it.

The dog, of course, is sleeping innocently and soundly on the sofa and there will not be another peep out of him now that I'm up. That's the way it always goes. For some reason he is more insecure when I'm asleep and feels the need to be very alert. I wish he'd get over that. I'd sleep better if he did.

I've decided not to be in conflict any longer and to choose for the side of life. I can't walk around with two wishes in my head, one of which is wanting to be better and the other is wanting to be dead. That is too confusing and exhausting and causes me a great deal of problems. I will put my faith in the medication and assume it is going to work and really make me better.

Maybe this is very naive of me, but then that's what I'll be for now. It is better than having an all consuming death wish. It was making me feel worse than I already was because it caused me to have all sorts of practical worries, not the least of which was what to do about the dog whom I love so much. That just about broke my heart.

So it's for life I choose and I may need another increase or another medication. I'll have to wait and see, time will tell. I'm ready for whatever the possibilities are. I'm willing to do whatever is needed.

Now I'm going back to bed to see if I can sleep some more. Just a few more hours. I don't know how else to pass the time.

Ciao,

Nora

Not quite yet...

2011-08-11T01:53:00.001+02:00

Unwilling to go to bed quite yet, I'm sitting here having a glass of ice cold milk which could freeze my brain into non action soon enough, so I better not linger over this post too long. I'm feeling quite mellow now but the cold milk may deliver me in a quite different state of mind any time soon now. The icy coldness does always seem to have a effect on me. We'll see how it goes tonight. It will be an experiment.

Already I'm searching for words and I've started to yawn. That does not bode well. I have to fight these feelings for a little while. I hope I get a second wind. If I stubbornly keep typing, maybe I will. I can be as ornery as the next person and not give in. I can jabber away at any subject given half a chance. Just as long as my frontal lobes don't freeze.

One thing I'm not going to do and that is make more coffee, although I know it would instantly make me alert and sharp. I don't want to spoil my night's rest. It is my intention to get some hours of solid sleep. I could, however, just as easily change my mind if I keep yawning this way. Maybe a cup or two won't hurt.

I like to live on the edge and play with the limits of my mind. Coffee does always make me feel good and it wears off as soon as I stop drinking it and switch to milk. Ice cold milk always seems to retard the function of my mind and make me sleepy. It's a strange phenomenon. I probably have an overactive imagination that I believe in. So be it.

My dog wants me to believe that he has to go out for the third time tonight. He does so with quite a bit of conviction, but I'm ignoring him. I know I'll let him out before I go to bed just so I won't find a piddle anywhere in the morning. He's quite a persistent animal and he doesn't always believe in bladder control.

I always enjoy writing posts for this blog because I like the design, but I don't get around to it very often. The other two blogs seem to take precedence. This one is a little bit neglected and comes more as an afterthought. The one I also have to write for with whatever I have left to say. There never seems to be a primary thought in it. I wish I could change that.

It's hard to come up with original ideas. It's easy to fall into repetition.

I'm sitting here slightly stoned from the lack of sleep. It's a rather pleasant feeling. I will be sound asleep in no time once I am in bed. It will be much later than I had planned and I have to get up early. This morning the alarm clock went off for fifteen minutes before I heard it.

Now I will really go to bed.

Ciao,

Nora

A glass of cold milk...

2011-08-07T06:07:00.001+02:00

It's very early in the morning and I was going to go back to bed to finish sleeping after having been up for a couple of hours, but I find that I'm not tired yet so bedtime will have to wait for a while.

After having had two cups of coffee, I'm drinking ice cold milk and very good it tastes too. It's something I always look forward to very much as it quenches my thirst and makes me feel full at the same time. It's also what I use to take my morning medicines with and it helps them go down easy.

I thank my sanity these past two days to the fact that it's been the weekend and the days have been quiet and uneventful. The most exciting thing that happened was that the dog and I got rained on when we went for a walk yesterday evening.

That's because I had put no faith in the weather forecast and had ignored the threatening sky. The sky had looked that way all day and the weather forecasters had got it wrong so often.

My hair still looks funny from having dried up that way and I'll have to wash it this morning. The dog looked cute and curly. He's lucky in that respect. His fur curls when it gets wet.

I've mostly been sleeping. It seems that I can't get enough of that activity. I do love lying in my bed, although you would not say so in the middle of the night. I really do get more than enough of my share of sleep. It is a blessed thing to do.

I'm so relaxed in the weekends that any activity becomes easier. Even sitting in my armchair is a joy. I can do it without feeling like a hunted animal. I'm very much at ease.

I am, however, dreading the fact that today is already Sunday and that the weekend is almost over. I have to try and enjoy as much of this day as I can and not let any of it slip by. I have to try and get as much peace and quiet in as I can.

I never realized how good this is for me until things start to get a little complicated and busy and I notice how easily I'm thrown off balance. Things really do have to be very simple and predictable with long rest pauses. There always needs to be recuperation time.

Tranquility is a great good and it is best achieved by finding my equilibrium and having as little noise and movement around me as possible for a period of time. That's why it's nice to sit in the armchair to contemplate my navel in silence.

I did watch a good thriller last night before I went to bed. It was 'Wallander' and it was a good episode as usual. I did have to stay up late for it, but I had calculated that in. I planned my television watching carefully so I wouldn't feel the need to go to bed ahead of time.

I think I will go to bed now and catch a few hours more sleep before I get around to the rest of the day. The dog is snoring on the sofa and hopefully I will be soon in my bed, but not as noisily.

Have a good Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Changed my mind...

2011-08-05T03:08:00.000+02:00

It's in the middle of the night and I was going to go to bed with my book and read it there until I got sleepy, but I'm so wide awake that I wanted to sit here and write some more. What better excuse then to write a post for this poor neglected blog.

It's been a long while since I've been here because it seems to be impossible to write for more than two blogs. As a result, this one has fallen by the wayside because even I don't have that much imagination. I just barely manage the other two that I'm really juggling.

Since I've changed the name and the template, it seems only right that I should also write a post. I don't actually have that much to say, but I'm full of good intentions, though as you know, the road to hell is paved with them.

I'm still drinking coffee, although I'm aware of the fact that it's keeping me awake. The problem is that it's put me in a better mood than I had and I don't want to put it to waste. I grab every opportunity to enjoy a good mood, especially since I was in such a very low one earlier in the night.

It's too bad that I always have to solve these mood problems with some sort of chemical intervention. It's either with medicines or coffee that I alter my state of mind. I don't mind the medicines too much, but the coffee addiction is something else. I'm so dependent on the high it gives me that I can't do without. No doubt it's messing up my sleep schedule something awful.

I'm seriously going to have to think about giving up coffee, although it seems like an impossible task. But I really do have a serious addiction to it and it's expensive too. Have you seen the price of coffee lately?

I will have to start drinking rooibos tea and green tea with lemon and get the caffeine out of my system. I don't know how long that will take. I suppose I will go through withdrawal. It may be tough, but it will be worth it.

I will make this the blog of good intentions. I will resolve to do good things for myself here. Kicking the caffeine habit will be the first of them. Who needs New Year's Eve to make resolutions?

I will go to bed now and take my book with me. I'm not sleepy yet, but maybe I'll become so when I read for a while. I will have to set the alarm clock because the domestic help is supposed to be here in the morning. If she shows up, which she didn't on Monday.

I don't mind one bit. It will give me more time to sit around in my bathrobe and to wake up. I do need that precious time.

Have a good day when you wake up.

Ciao,

Nora

Not going anywhere yet...

2011-05-23T04:23:00.000+02:00

It had been my plan to go back to bed after I wrote my last blog post. It is in the middle of the night, after all. But then I decided that it didn't really matter and that it wasn't important when I went back to bed. I'm my own mistress and don't have to necessarily stick to a particular schedule, even though other people are going to be here today. They will just have to adjust themselves to my schedule. I'm throwing caution to the wind.

I'm not ready to go back to bed. I want to stay up and I may even read my thriller in my armchair in a little while. It will be a pleasure to sit down and read and not feel that I have to go to bed and sleep at a particular time just because I have to. I'd rather just do it because I want to. That sounds like I want to live with a little bit of abandonment and maybe I do. I'm just a little bit tired of expectations and things I ought to do simply because they're done that way.

I have the smell of Italian food in my nose and I don't know where it's coming from because I have made nothing like it. Lately I seem to have olfactory fantasies and I smell things that aren't there. I'm sure I smell something like lasagna or home made pizza now. It's very pleasant. The other night it was the strong smell of sun dried laundry and I'm sure I've had other instances of other smells. I should start paying better attention to them and try to remember them and record them.

My personal helper is going to be here today and I'm so not in the mood for that. It's with real displeasure that I look forward to it. I should just offer her a cup of coffee and tell her that I'm not in the mood for a visit today. I find that she meddles too much in my life and wants to know too many details. I feel that I have no privacy.

I try to keep a lot of things to myself as she has a tendency to overreact to anything I tell her and make it her personal business. I guess I don't appreciate her like I used to when I was more needy. I've also lost my trust in her after one particular incident in which she overstepped her boundaries.

My domestic help is also going to be here and she has gotten into the habit of sitting and having coffee with me and smoking my cigarettes before, during and after her work. No doubt I have encouraged this, but now I've got a problem on my hands as I don't have enough conversation material for that much time. She is the cleaning lady after all and young and limited in what we can talk about.

It's always something!

I think I will go back to bed and sleep for a while anyway because I'm going to need my energy now that I think about it when faced with these two women. I don't want to have shortage of sleep when I deal with them.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Postponement...

2011-05-06T04:27:00.000+02:00

I'm unwilling to go back to bed and instead have poured myself a glass of cold milk and am sitting here in my warm bathrobe willing the night to last a little while longer. There's enough time to go to bed, I say to myself, while also knowing that I have chores to do in the morning and that I may not get up on time to do them at this rate.

I'm throwing caution to the wind and trying not to care too much. In the larger scheme of things, it doesn't matter too much if I get up on time. I will figure out a way to get everything done one way or the other. Things have a tendency to always work out in the end. It doesn't matter if I get too excited about them ahead of time.

I don't know why I've suddenly adopted this lackadaisical attitude when a while ago I was still worried about getting to bed on time, but I've apparently since changed my mind. Maybe the cold milk has frozen my head and my ability to worry about these things. One way or the other, I've stopped caring as much.

I'm now waiting for it to become time for me to be able to take my morning dose of medicines. I like to take it before I go back to bed so that I will sleep well and be in a good mood when I wake up, so that I don't have to sit there after I've gotten up and wait for them to work. It does make a difference. I plan these things carefully throughout the day and have it down to a science. I take all my medicines just at the right times to get the optimal effect.

I do think about going back to bed and how comfortable it's going to be to lie there under the duvet, but I'm postponing it until I'm really ready to go and I'm longing for it. I don't want to lie awake longer than necessary. I want my bed to be a pleasant place to go to and not someplace where I'll be bored and wait endlessly for sleep to come. It has to be an enjoyable experience to go to bed.

More then anything I want to be warm there and I'm wearing my socks and leggings and a long sleeved T-shirt. I do dislike being cold under the covers and it isn't very warm in the apartment right now. No doubt the fact that I'm drinking cold milk is aking me extra cold, but it's a good thirst quencher.

It's been a long night and I've been up for a long time. I had no desire to go back to bed and enjoyed my time sitting here in the semi dark in the solitude and peace and quiet. If I could have the same sense of peace during the day, I would be most happy, but it's elusive then, except when I take a nap in the afternoon in my bed. It's the most peaceful time during the day.

My hands are cold and so is my face. I want to turn up the thermostat, but it would be a waste of energy because it's going to be a warm day today. Of course, it isn't yet and I could turn it up for a little while. I could get it warm enough in here for it to be comfortable. There's no need to be cold and suffer. I am a creature of comfort, after all. I would like nothing better than to always be warm.

I'll probably come to regret saying that this summer when the temperatures soar. No doubt we'll have another heatwave like we've had for the past couple of summers. Those were most uncomfortable. There was no way to cool off the apartment and it was truly miserable. Taking cool showers was the only relief and wearing the least amount of clothes possible. I hope Mother Nature is kinder to us this summer and makes it gentler. I personally don't care for that much heat. I like temperate weather.

At least I have enough sun dresses that ought to fit. I've lost enough weight now. I have to go on the bathroom scale in the morning and see if I've lost anymore weight. I think I have, but the proof will be in the pudding. The pudding being the bathroom scale.

It's warmer in here now and I think I will go to bed. It is getting to be morning and I have taken my medicines. I should start feeling pretty good in a short time. I always can tell the difference. It will feel good to lie down in bed now and be warm and comfortable and to sleep. Blessed sleep.

Have a good morning all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Reawakening...

2011-05-01T02:54:00.000+02:00

I was sound asleep when the dog awakened me very politely. He did this by barking very softly but insistently by the side of the bed. I couldn't help but be roused from my sleep, although I incorporated the sound into my dream at first and tried to make some different sense of it. All but the one that meant I had to get up.

When I did, the dog went into the kitchen and I couldn't figure out what he wanted, but then he went to the back door and I let him out and he did a piddle. That and a drink of fresh water seems to have satisfied him because now he's contentedly asleep by my feet.

And I am awake and having a cup of microwaved coffee, which is not my favorite, but I couldn't go back to sleep after standing by the back door waiting for him to come back in. There was a brisk wind blowing and the coolness of it woke me up almost completely.

It was nice to stand there in my make shift pajamas and feel the cold air on my exposed skin, but I have to get my bathrobe on now, I'm getting a bit chilled. I'll also have to make some proper hot coffee to warm my bones. This heated up stuff is just not doing the job and it doesn't taste very good. For a connoisseur of coffee, this is an abomination.

There, I'm having a proper cup of hot coffee now and it tastes much better. It's heating up my insides. No doubt it will keep me awake for a while, but that's the price I pay for being comfortable and content. I do feel very content now and completely in my element. I can't think of a better place to be, unless it were a very comfortable and cozy pub where I would be allowed to smoke.

The dog has migrated to the armchair and from the armchair to the coffee table. No doubt he'll switch places a few more times tonight. He never can make up his mind where he wants to lie down. It's not on his pillow. He just uses that to frolic around on. The cat lies down on it more often than he does and the domestic help always has to vacuum her fur off of it. It does show up on the black material. I had not calculated that in when I bought it. The cat is brownish gray and her fur does show up as opposed to the dog's who is black.

Since today is Sunday, it will be another lazy day. It seems inherent to the weekend that these days are. It's like I've got a pass off for good behavior and I can do as I please, which is the least amount possible. If I had a car, I'd go for drives with the dog and park the car and go for long walks in nature, barring the price of gasoline. As it is, we're stuck in the suburbs which doesn't make for very exciting walks. I'm going to try it today anyway. As to how far we make it all depends on my power of endurance and the strength of my lower back.

I hope you're all sleeping soundly or are having a nice safe evening in kind weather. I'm thinking especially of you in the southern United States.

Ciao,

Nora

Not yet...

2011-04-26T00:56:00.001+02:00

Although I am starting to yawn, I am not in bed yet, but at least I'm to the point that I'm thinking about it. My mind is to some extent occupied with it anyway. In a little while, I'll start longing for it and really be ready to go. I'll take some crackers and a glass of milk with me for the fun of it. I haven't had my nighttime snack yet and it will be the perfect opportunity for it. I'll toss the crumbs on the floor for the dog to eat.

It's midnight now, so not so awfully late, but I hope that I sleep through the night. I most definitely don't want to wake up before it's morning, so I have to force myself to stay in bed and I have to go back to bed if I have to get up to use the toilet. There will be no staying up in the middle of the night. Yeah, I always have real good intentions that fall by the wayside.

I have a sore back from sitting behind the computer, so you would think that would be a signal for me to stop doing it. I'll have to take a painkiller before I go to bed. In the meantime, I'm trying to sit as upright as I can. It's hard to remember not to slouch. You do it automatically. I suppose lots of people have bad postures when they sit behind their computers. I forget that I have a good chair and to lean against the backrest. I need a harness to tie me to the chair.

It will be good to lie down in bed and get some sleep. I imagine that I will be more than ready for it . There is a little bit of temptation to stay up and get into all sorts of trouble, but I'm trying to ignore that. I'm visualizing myself lying in bed with the warm duvet over me and my head on the soft pillows listening to the radio. I tell myself that it's the best place to be for me. I do need some convincing, however.

I'll have to let the dog out back for his last piddle and to give him a chance to sniff every corner of the patio before he'll come in again. It's better than being woken up in the middle of the night because he's decided he needs to go out, even though he has a very polite way of waking me up. He does it very quietly and low key as if he is apologetic.

Right, I'm off. I hope you're all sound asleep yourself or are about to be.

Ciao,

Nora

Easing my way into the morning...

2011-04-24T06:05:00.000+02:00

Not willing to go to bed after a long night up, I have changed my blog templates and in the meantime am full of caffeine from the very strong pot of coffee that I made. I drank nearly all of it and am now finishing the last cup. It's almost undrinkable, but it will do. Coffee that sits on the hot plate for longer than an hour doesn't usually taste very good anymore. The fresher it is, the better is tastes and that is why I tried to drink most of it in a hurry while it still tasted good.

I don't know where the sensibility is in that, except that I wanted the night to last as long as possible and that I figured I could take advantage of the fact that today is Sunday and sleep whenever I wanted to. I've artificially created a good mood for myself and am not about to let it go to waste, seeing as though the days have not been that successful.

Of course, all this caffeine has completely woken me up and I can put any thoughts of going to bed out of my head. I won't get tired again now for a while. I don't know if the blog templates and backgrounds are any good, but they will have to do for now until I change my mind again. When faced with a lot of choices, it's hard to make up your mind, although I reject a lot of them outright as not what I want at all. Blogger should come up with some new backgrounds.

If I stay awake long enough, it will be time to walk the dog. I'm sure he would be most happy about that, although that is not our normal schedule. He is used to waiting until I get up whenever and in the meantime doing a piddle out back. I'm sure he would be filled with joy if I took him out early. I will first have to wait for the sun to come up. I'm not about to go out while it is still dark outside. That's too spooky, although I would do it in the wintertime, but that would be at a civilized hour. I'm not heroic early in the morning.

I already feel the stress of the day creeping up on me with the advance of the morning. I have to try to stay as cool as a cucumber and pretend it doesn't bother me, but in fact I'm like the cowardly lion in search of courage. However did he find it? I find mine in pills. Sometimes being alone is very tough, but then being with someone can be very lonely too if it's not the right person.

I have to end this post before it turns into a sob story. I'm going to take my medicines and then decide what I'm going to do next.

I hope you'll all have a good Easter.

Ciao,

Nora

The early bird...

2011-04-21T05:59:00.000+02:00

For some reason I'm up early listening to the first birds sing. I don't know why that is the case, but I suppose I will live with it. I don't have much of another choice since I'm wide awake. I do tell myself that it's a mistake and that any moment I will go back to bed and finish sleeping. I'm drinking my first cup of coffee, but that has never stopped me from going back to bed if I needed to.

I still think there must be some hitch in the system. I never get up this early, but this morning I woke up with the distinct feeling that someone was looking at me. I opened up my eyes and it was the dog sitting by the side of the bed. He was willing me to wake up just by staring at me. I guess the night had lasted long enough for him, although I have no idea what he expects to happen now. I let him out back for a piddle and I'm certainly not going to take him for a walk yet.

It's too early to determine what sort of mood I'm in. I just feel raw all over. I think I need more coffee before I can even determine if I'm a human being. I'm convinced that people are not supposed to be up this early unless they are setting off for an adventurous journey. And even then they would need lots of coffee and cigarettes to set them on their way. A mere glass of juice wouldn't do the job, even if you threw in a bowl of yogurt and muesli.

I did have the foresight to go on the bathroom scale this morning and I had lost another kilo. I have to lose 1.9 kilos before I'm at my intermediate goal. My next goal will be to lose another 5 kilos, but I don't know if it is possible. That's something I can't predict at all. I'll just have to try for the 1.9 kilos first. That will be a milestone. I'm eating and not going hungry. That's the most important thing.

I think I will take my medicines and go back to bed for a while. As far as I'm concerned, it's too early to start the day.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Hold my horses...

2011-04-16T23:32:00.000+02:00

I tried to go to sleep, but found it impossible. I laid in bed and and had all sorts of thoughts playing around in my head and those didn't help me fall asleep one bit. They all led to returning to America, which must be my secret subconscious wish. I want it so much that I can taste it, if that is possible with a longing.

It is something I have to get over and put out of my head. I can't dictate the things that are going to happen in my life. I can only be my normal self and live my life accordingly and hope for the best. I have to accept my life the way it is and as if nothing is going to change, because it isn't.

It does make me realize that I'm not very satisfied with my life the way it is and haven't been all along. I'm the wrong person in the wrong place and have always been. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I'm misplaced.

I have never known how to solve this problem. It seemed that my choice was irreversible. Even now I don't really know how to reverse it, except for some wild fantasies that are banging away inside my head and that are getting out of control. I must regain my equilibrium unless I get lost in them and am even farther from home.

It had gotten to the point that I've taken an extra anti-psychotic tablet to calm me down, lest I didn't get my feet on the ground again. I feel it working now and I'm getting decidedly calmer, which is a state of mind I much prefer. I don't like being worked up in a state and lost to reality.

I will be able to go to sleep shortly and have more peace of mind, unless the coffee I'm drinking is going to keep me awake. I did have to have the coffee to help straighten out my thinking, of course, because it always does. It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, but I'm yawning, so that's a good sign.

It's a good thing that I took that tablet because I'm starting to think much more clearly now and am getting my head out of the clouds. I think I've been temporarily mesmerized, but I may be again tomorrow and the day after that. Who knows how long it will last? The effects of my longing and fantasy can last a long time and I may have to use extra medication for a while.

I see I was navigating in dangerous waters. I must be more cautious than that. Life is not a series of easily made decisions without dire effects. It's not like cliff jumping or sky diving. You don't do it for the kick.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Southern comfort...

2011-04-13T20:34:00.000+02:00

I just woke up from a very comfortable nap in my bed and I'm still in that not quite wide awake state that allows me to not be very critical of myself. I'm drinking a glass of milk instead of a cup of coffee so that I will not become hyper alert. I hope to stay in this state of mind for a while because I'm in a not so very bad mood.

If I do become grumpy, I will have to drink a cup of coffee because that will fix things for me right away. I have just taken my medicines and I should be okay, but I never know what thoughts lurk around the corner that are going to upset me and that I'm going to have to straighten out. If I can't straighten them out, I have to at least deal with them.

It's because I'm no longer in denial that I have to deal with my thoughts. Instead of contemplating my navel, I stand up to what I don't want to go along with and what I don't believe in. I've stopped going along with the program and am finally sticking up for myself. This takes some practice and I'm not flawless at it yet, but I'm doing a fair job for a beginner.

Although I'm not grumpy now, I am going to have that cup of coffee. I'm no longer in that half awake state and I need something stronger than milk.

I've just nuked a cup in the microwave and I'm all set. Let's see if I can put down some assertive thoughts on paper. Well, that's a Freudian slip because I'm not typing on paper, but maybe wish that I was back in that era when everything seemed simpler, say about thirty years ago? With the knowledge that I have now, of course. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

I've just had a whole fantasy about that and then I took the dog for a short walk to clear my head and get my feet back on the ground. It's alright to get lost in a daydream for a little while, but you can't get stuck in it, no matter how great it feels. I suppose that when you're demented you get stuck in the past like that. I was doing a better, revised version of mine in which I was wise and all knowing.

It's too bad that good, usable knowledge comes to some of us so late. Or is it that the older you get the more you realize what you don't know? In my next life I'd like to be a very wise woman. I think it would make it easier to get through life.

I think I will stay up late tonight and watch 'Midsomer Murders.' It will be a pleasant evening of mystery in the English countryside. I do so love English thrillers. They are so civilized.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Peacefulness...

2011-04-08T04:25:00.001+02:00

I've been up for a couple of hours and have just visited all the blogs I had been neglecting to visit and leave comments on. There were quite a few, but I'm all caught up now. It's a very purposeful way to spend the night and I'm not going to bed yet, being wide awake still. I will have to drink some warm milk to make me sleepy. It's another one of those nights that I have to fill to the best of my ability until I get get tired enough to go back to bed.

I've not been spending a lot of time behind the computer, choosing to do other things instead during the day. Besides doing my chores and walking the dog, I've spent a lot of time contemplating my navel in absolute peace and quiet and I find this to be a good exercise. You've come a long way when you can stand your own company in total silence without distractions. It has a very meditative quality and I imagine Buddhist monks spend their time this way.

I don't think any earth shattering thoughts while I contemplate my navel. I keep it all very peaceful and simple and skim along the surface of my thoughts. I refuse to dwell on anything unpleasant too long and dismiss those thoughts quickly. I don't want to work myself into a state, but I do come up with insights sometimes and get wiser for them. I don't worry, though, as worrying is a senseless thing to do. I observe and draw conclusions. Sometimes I think I have a disengaged heart.

It makes me happy to calculate in these long pauses of silence and I look forward to the day with them in it. It makes me glad to have absolute nothingness in which time stands still, yet still moves forward and the day glides by. I don't feel that they are wastes of time, but merely long periods in which to be completely at ease and safe all by myself. Not sitting behind the computer during these empty periods is only a plus point. It gives me peaceful feelings and serenity, instead of feeling scattered and stressed.

I think in the end, that's the purpose of my life.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to stay mellow...

2011-04-02T22:02:00.001+02:00

I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to finish brewing a pot of coffee. I just woke up from a nap and am in desperate need of a cup, even though it is evening and no time to be drinking coffee. Today I have a screwy schedule and right now I need my head screwed on straight...

Well, that was a delicious cup I just had. No doubt I will feel the effect of that shortly. I will hopefully stop yawning before I dislocate my jaw. I hope to get to the point that I'm awake but still mellow and I think I can reach that if I time my intake of coffee just right.

It's a good thing that today was Saturday and that I could afford to have this screwy schedule. Or maybe that's why I had it in the first place. It's nice not to be so regulated on the weekends. I didn't sleep long enough this morning, causing me to feel tired all day long until I finally went to bed and took that nap.

All in all it wasn't a day in which I accomplished a lot. It should have been a day spent on a tropical beach in a hammock tied between two palm trees with a cold drink in my hands. I make it sound like that would be my ideal vacation, but it really isn't. I would want to do something much more stimulating than that. I would like to visit towns with history and old churches and museums, alternated with days spent in the countryside. Visiting England is high on my list.

Saturday isn't a day on which I have to accomplish a lot. That's not what that day is for. I did change my bed and do a load of laundry and hung up one load to dry. The bathroom smells good of drying laundry. It's almost better than my perfume. That's one job I enjoy doing, hanging up laundry to dry. It appeals to my sense of order, hanging everything neatly on the drying rack.

It's almost time to go to bed again. Old habits are hard to get rid of. When the clock says it's bedtime, it must be time to go. I'll sit and watch television for a while, although there's never anything special on on Saturday nights. I'll get my pajamas on and make myself cozy and get in the proper mood to go to sleep.

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Coherently speaking...

2011-03-25T07:18:00.000+01:00

Considering that I've had enough coffee and that I've just taken my medicines, I should be capable of writing something coherent here. As my medicines start to work, with enough time taken in, I should become more coherent as I write. Until that time, I'll fake it. You become very good at that after a lifetime of it. You can almost pass for normal, except for the occasional lapse.

I haven't done anything useful yet. I've been twiddling my thumbs and generally staying out of trouble. I'm not quite up to the point that I can perform my duties yet. I need a little more concentration power than that. Actually, I need more motivation to do them and I'm waiting for that to wash over me like a wave. I hope that soon it's going to hit me, but anytime within the next two hours would be fine. That's the limit I've set for myself. If I'm not motivated by then, I'm kicking myself in the rear end.

It's light outside and the day beckons, but it beckons me in vain. I'm ignoring the daylight and the cheerfully chirping birds. I'm too much of a grump right now to let it influence me. It's still too cold out there and I know that if I go outside now, I will be a most unhappy person. Thankfully, the dog is sound asleep and oblivious of the fact that the sun has come up. If I leave the blinds closed, it will stay dark in here for a while yet.

I think it's not normal to start the day before 10 o'clock in the morning. People should get at least that much time to get their act together. What is worse than pretending to be awake and functioning before that time? Only true workaholics could do it. Apparently I'm not one of them. I need lots of leisurely time in the morning to check all my functions and to see if they are in working order and to give them a chance to become so. I can't be rushed, it's a slow, natural process.

I'm most cheerful when I get up very early in the morning when it's dark, but by the time it is daylight, I have all the resilience of a wet dishrag. I think I need to live in California and be taken out to Denney's and have a big old American breakfast to start the day with. That would cheer me up enormously. I would forget all about being a vegetarian as I ate the bacon and the sausage.

My medicines have started to work and have improved my mood tremendously. I've also been twiddling my thumbs while writing this. I knew I'd slowly come to my senses if I waited long enough. Now I'm capable of getting dressed and walking the dog. I won't curse the cold. I'll just dress warm enough.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Thoroughly drunk...

2011-03-22T18:12:00.001+01:00

I'm as inebriated as I want to get now and I've stopped drinking. I'll save the rest of the vodka until later when I've sobered up a bit again. Everything is fine until I get up and start moving around. I don't move around as gracefully as I'd like, although typing seems to go well. I'm kind of clunky when I try to move around and I definitely can't move in a straight line. I can't walk the dog, that's for sure. He will have to go out back. I would look suspicious if I tried to walk a straight line in this neighborhood. They would automatically think I was from the other neighborhood infiltrating theirs.

The new clothes I ordered on line arrived this afternoon and I'm wearing some of them. I had some difficulty putting them on. As a matter of fact, I stumbled, but I look very nice and slim.

Anything I say now mustn't be used against me. I'm under the influence.

But I still think I look nice and I will still think so when I'm sober. I'm not that impaired. Apparently, once you stop drinking, you start getting sober and it happens quickly. It seems that I'm the kind of drunk who needs to keep drinking. As I type this, albeit slowly, I am sobering up.

I've got on a dress that looks like an overall and I've got a stretch T-shirt with long sleeves under it. The dress is made of denim material and it looks nice. I've ordered it in the perfect size. It's got a tight fitting skirt.

Now you know what I've got on. I look good enough to go outside anyway. I wouldn't be misplaced, if only I could walk in a straight line. Maybe I will be able to in a little while. I may have a cup of coffee and that may momentarily straighten me out. Good enough to take the dog out for a walk anyway. The poor thing does have to do his business. He may not be happy to do it out back.

I know I'm sobering up because I'm starting to think sensible things. It seems the high of alcohol doesn't last that long or only as long as you drink it. Already I am thinking about what to do about sleeping tonight and how I am best to go about that. My adult is speaking inside of me and is trying to make adult like decisions. I suppose I will always be a responsible person. It takes a lot of alcohol to get away from that.

I just realized that I can't take the dog out because the delivery boy from the pharmacy is going to come by. I have to wait until he's been here. The dog will have to keep his legs crossed or go out back.

I've taken my time writing this post and have sobered up quickly in the process. I'm not much of a drunk. I'd be an expensive date. Apparently I handle alcohol well. I don't feel like I have a hangover either. I had tall glasses of booze. I'm impressed with myself.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

When you're all done sleeping, apparently...

2011-03-21T05:56:00.000+01:00

My body has decided that it doesn't need any more sleep this early in the morning and it wants me to stay up and start the day. I don't think I can fool it into getting more sleep by going back to bed. I'd probably just lie there wide awake and stare at the ceiling while petting the dog and possibly the cat too. I'm not in the mood for that and will get the day started instead as soon as I've got this post written.

I should pick out some interesting clothes to wear and in my mind I'm going over what's in my closet, but I think I'm forgetting crucial items. I think I actually have to look inside my closet before I make a decision so I'll know what's exactly there. At times I'm struck by amnesia and totally forget what clothes I have. Some new items have been added recently and I've already forgotten what they look like. They haven't been imprinted in my memory yet.

I should also take a shower and wash my hair, but I'm totally not in the mood for it because I don't want to stand naked in the cold bathroom. I'm such a ninny when it comes to being cold and wet. I will have to screw up all my courage to do it. An intense dislike for my shower doesn't help. I will have to give myself a pep talk first before I'm able to do it.

I'm really trying to not get out of my comfortable bathrobe that fits me so well and is so warm. It's the best item of clothing that I have and I could live in it and lounge wear. If I didn't have a dog to walk, I would probably live in those items and never get dressed properly. Isn't that terrible? I would invest in very nice lounge wear that didn't look like pajamas, but was as comfortable as, and I would have several bathrobes to fit my moods and to toss in the washing machine as needed. I could very easily be a rich and decadent woman. I'm waiting to win the lottery and be one.

Since today is Monday, I'm getting ready for a more intense sort of day, as Mondays usually are. I will be occupied for several long hours with my personal helper and the domestic help. This always seems to take up a huge chunk of the day and I have mixed feelings about it. I appreciate the company and the clean apartment, but I miss the time spent by myself doing whatever I think is necessary. I'm always glad when everyone is gone again and I can go about my way.

I have several chores to do this morning, but I have lots of time to do them, so there's no rush. I think I will change my bed and have nice clean sheets on it for tonight. I didn't get much done this weekend because it was such a screwy one. Thank god I'm back to normal now. I'm counting my blessings as I write this.

There's time to watch the news.

Ciao,

Nora

More cups of coffee...

2011-03-19T13:57:00.000+01:00

I realize that I have to start this post with something more exciting than the fact that I'm in need of a cup of coffee. I just woke up and need to gather my thoughts. If I tell you that my mind is filled with cobwebs, I'm not telling you anything new. It very often is. Actually, I shouldn't say that I need to gather my thoughts because that's not correct. My thoughts are gathered like a pack of sleepy hunting hounds ready to go on a chase. All they need is the scent of the fox. All I need is a dose of caffeine.

I'm not looking forward to the day and don't want to get it started, so I'm postponing the moment as long as possible. Maybe when I've had enough coffee I'll feel differently. The fact that it is Saturday doesn't do anything to change that. As a matter of fact, it makes it worse. I think that today I don't want it to be the weekend at all. I need to fool myself into thinking that it's just an ordinary weekday.

For now I'm just going to sit here in my bathrobe and drink coffee and wait for my medicines to start working. When I've recuperated from my sleep, I'll get dressed and walk the dog. I'm sure there are several reasons not to live alone and this is one of them. It's the inability to mobilize yourself when there's no one else around. You can always find excuses not to do something and there's no one there to push you just a little bit further than you're willing to go yourself. You have to be your own motivating factor and that's not always easy.

Of course, there's always your dog who looks at you longingly and wonders when he will go for a walk. I'm somewhat influenced by that. I can't always let him go out back. He does need his exercise and I need my fresh air too. There's some amount of common sense that comes into play, although at times it's hard to find. Being a responsible adult comes with a price. You can't always be careless.

Well, I just took the dog out and it's actually nice weather out there. Much nicer than I thought it was going to be. There's hope for my cynical heart yet. The sun is shining and it's not too cold. I could actually do without my scarf. Just when you think that it's not going to be springtime, it appears again. The dog enjoyed it too and wanted to play with all the kids that were out there.

You mustn't mind me too much. I'm a victim of my moods and they are erratic. I'm as changeable as the Dutch weather is, only even more quickly so. I bounce up and down like a ping pong ball. Very often I grasp at straws. I'll do anything for a dull existence. Well, I don't know if that is true. A less exciting one maybe.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

It's not springtime yet, apparently.

2011-03-18T15:46:00.001+01:00

I'm cold and I've put on my thick gray cardigan and turned up the heater. Outside it's cold too and overcast and it's supposed to rain later this afternoon. It doesn't at all feel like spring, which technically it isn't, of course. I keep forgetting that it's officially still winter, although there are green leaves on the hedge around the elementary school.

Well, there are only three days of winter left and then it will be springtime. I hope the weather improves and that it will stop being cold and dreary. At night it's been below zero and it takes a while for things to get warmer during the day. There are tentative little green leaves and blossoms, but I'm sure there would be more if the sun were to shine more often.

Actually, now that I'm getting a little warmer here in my cardigan with the heater on, I feel quite cozy and not so bothered by the weather. It's that I have to go outside and walk the dog, otherwise I would not mind at all. I would put my warm slippers on and be toasty. I am a hibernating sort of animal and take every opportunity I get to withdraw inside my den. Maybe I'm related to the groundhog who doesn't see his own shadow yet.

Friday's domestic help has been here and now I'm left with a clean apartment and a stack of dishes done. I'm so happy about that because now I can start the weekend off right. There's nothing better than a clean kitchen and I've got that. Even the dog's bowls have been cleaned and the cat's milk dish.

I'm hit by a terrible bout of yawning. I can't believe that I have to take a nap. My eczema is also itching something awful. Time to get out the ointment.

I'm feeling awfully tired. I think I will go lie down for a while.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao,

Nora

Long stretches of sanity...

2011-03-17T13:53:00.001+01:00

It's very important not to fall asleep during the day after a night spent not sleeping. I have to save my sleep for tonight and not be tempted to take a nap this afternoon. I'll have to drink more coffee just when I thought I had enough of it, but I have to stay awake. I don't want to ruin my night's rest by sleeping during the day.

One good thing about not having the new sleeping pills work, is that I'm not under the influence of any sleep medication and as a result have not felt dopey all day. I usually do and had not realized how much I did. Or really, I did, but I didn't realize it was from the sleep medication. I thought it was from the other medicines I took. I'm usually much more subdued and down. That's something I'm not now.

It is an interesting thing to find out and a new discovery. I'm meant to know this and smarter for it because now I know what effect the old sleep medication has had on me. I'm not happy about that, that I've been feeling down and lethargic all this time because of it. My psychiatrist had tried to get me off them, but I had resisted. I thought it was going to be too difficult to do without.

I think I can get off them now that I'm taking these new sleeping pills that aren't working. I only have enough for six days and I can take them even though they don't really work and get off my old medication at the same time. That's a theory I've thought up all by myself and I don't know if it makes any sense, but it does to me. Maybe sleep deprivation has impaired my ability to think logically.

I don't really feel all that sleepy. I'm not toppling out of my chair yet. I'm sitting here very solidly. I had to make a new pot of coffee because the Exfactor was here a while ago and I think I will finish it.

No, in spite of what I said, I think I will go lie down for a little while. It's not healthy to try and stay up for such a long time. I do have to rest for a little bit.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Ordinary days...

2011-03-16T19:04:00.000+01:00

There is no such thing as an ordinary day, of course. I didn't really have an ordinary day. I'm just pretending I had one. It's less complicated that way. Neither am I claiming that I had a complicated day because I didn't have one of those either.

When I just walked Tyke, a big old pit bull started attacking him. Luckily, the pit bull was on a leash and the owner pulled him back, but it scared me. He was a mean looking animal with a broad head and a big body. Tyke wouldn't have stood a chance. It was the same pit bull that always wanted to attack Jesker and Jesker hated him. I think from now on Tyke will hate him too. I don't understand why people want to own dogs like that.

This afternoon I took a three hour nap on the sofa. Apparently I needed it to augment the six hours of sleep I got last night. I had been feeling out of sorts before I took it. I was mildly down in the dumps and feeling sad. I knew I needed more sleep, but I was also expecting a package with clothes I had ordered on line, so I couldn't go to bed, although it got here after I woke up, so the timing was perfect.

I felt better after I got up, although I can't say that I'm in the Hallelujah Choir yet. For that reason I'm drinking a cup of coffee and I hope it will help me feel more cheerful soon. I think, by the way, that it would be wonderful to sing in a choir, except that I don't have any singing abilities. I don't have a voice that can carry a tune at all. I croak like a frog. I wish it were different.

I've been putting ointment in Tyke's inflamed eye and I thought it was going to be a problem, but it's turning out to be a piece of cake. He gets a reward and he lets me put the ointment in without a hitch. He sits patiently while I do it. He gets a milk bone and he likes those very much. He normally doesn't get treats, except for rawhide bones, so this is a big deal to him, but I think they are good for his teeth too. He hasn't figured out yet that he can get to them very easily himself because they sit on the shelf next to his dog food within easy reach of him.

The coffee has perked me up like I hoped it would and now I'm ready to have a good evening. I'm waiting for the delivery boy from the pharmacy to get here with my supply of medicines. My new sleeping pills will be here too. I can't wait to give those a try. It is my intention to stay up as late as possible until I really start to feel sleepy and to then take one pill, although I'm allowed to take two. I'm going to see how well one pill works first. I can always take the other one later if it's necessary.

I'm not oblivious of what goes on in the world around me. On the contrary, I've watched the news several times today. I just feel very frustrated in my inability to do anything about it. We're all focused on Libya and Japan right now, but there's so much violence and injustice and tragedy in the world. If you tried to take it all in, you would sit down and weep and never stop. Believe me, there's much to be very sorrowful about. We're just pretending it doesn't exist and look the other way.

The delivery boy has been here and brought the medicines. I always let Tyke carry in the package of medicines and he does so eagerly. This time I could trade it with him for a milk bone. He thought that was a good deal.

I am now ready to start the evening. I can put on my pajamas and bathrobe and watch dumb television, which I'm sure there is enough of. Actually, I need a good thriller, but I don't remember if there's one on tonight.

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Further shenanigans...

2011-03-14T19:06:00.000+01:00

I just walked Tyke in the very pleasant late afternoon air. It was not the least bit cold, although it is overcast and the sun has not been out all day. Children were playing outside and other people were airing their dogs as well. Tyke met one of his favorite dogs and she went into ecstasy when she saw him. She's 12 years old and just adores him. She acts like a young female in heat when he's around. Tyke just watches her with the most amazed look on his face while he wags his tail uncertainly. He's not sure what to do with so much adoration.

When we got home, I wrestled Tyke to the ground and put antibiotic ointment in his eye which is red and a little bit infected. It went easier than I thought it would, but I think I took him totally by surprise. It may not be that easy the next time. I have to put the ointment in twice a day and it may turn out to be a chore yet. I'll keep my fingers crossed. When he was a puppy it was impossible to put ointment in his eyes. You needed two people to do it, but he's two years old now and maybe he's become easier to handle.

Monday's domestic helper was here today and was not happy about the state of the apartment. She didn't think it had been cleaned well the last time and I secretly had to agree with her. I didn't think so either. She proceeded to clean it properly and I have to say that she did a good job, because now it really looks spic and span. She even washed the windows. She did a much better job than Friday's domestic helper, who always prides herself on her work. I think those two are in competition to see who can do the better job. Maybe it's a good thing to have two different people every week.

I took a nap this afternoon. As a matter of fact, I could hardly wait for the domestic help to leave so I could, but as usual she stayed and had a chat with me while we smoked a cigarette. I do have to be social and not send her away without one because I want to take a nap. I slept for two hours and felt ever so much better when I woke up. I had been feeling down in the dumps before that.

Waking up to a really clean apartment is a joy. The dishes were done too, because my personal helper and I had done those earlier in the day. I thought there were a lot, but she thought there weren't that many. I guess it's all in your personal perspective. I had not been looking forward to doing them and had been putting them off, which made the kitchen look like a mess. A messy kitchen is the worst thing to face. Once it is clean, you can handle anything and since I never did get around to changing my bed this weekend, I will do that tonight.

Then I'll have the feeling that really everything is clean and I'll put on clean pajamas too. At least I'm feeling well enough to do something nice for myself. On top of that, I'm purposely not watching the six o'clock news, because it's only going to frustrate me and I'm not in the mood for that. I will listen to the news later tonight on the radio when I'm safely tucked into my bed.

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

For the long run...

2011-03-12T04:58:00.000+01:00

It's in the middle of the night and I'm about to have a tall glass of milk to quench my tremendous thirst. I've had two cups of coffee and no doubt they helped get me into this state because coffee is a diuretic. If you are ever retaining water, drink coffee. That was the advice I got from an American pharmacist after I had been on a long transatlantic flight and I was bloated, as I have a tendency to get when flying long distances. This was a flight from Brussels to Alaska with three stops. It wreaked havoc on my system. So coffee it is.

When I was on that trip, I stayed in a motel room that had its own coffeemaker, and every day it was replenished with a package of fresh coffee. That would have been okay if I had been the average American and had accepted weak coffee, but being a Dutch woman, I liked a strong cup. I had brought my own big package of ground coffee and used that to make a decent pot or two every day. That was so much better than drinking Folger's Coffee, which you can't take seriously.

I met my daughter and grandson on that trip and my first ex-husband. We were there to see my son who was dying of cancer. It would be the last time we were to see him. That is seven years ago. It's a trip that is etched in my memory. It's a very sad reason to go see Alaska of all places. It's where my son had chosen to spend the last years of his life. It had been a big dream of his to live there and he finally had made it come true. He had wanted to be buried anonymously in the woods at the base of a big tree, but since that wasn't possible, he was cremated and had his ashes scattered on a big lake where he had always gone fishing.

I don't want to get bogged down in sad memories and will leave that subject behind me. It is over and done with and life moves on. I have to look at the present and the reality of life as it is now with today's ups and downs. Since today is Saturday, I don't expect too many downs, except for the ones that exist in my own head and that will be helped by the extra medication I'm taking. It will take a while for the anti-depressives to start working optimally, but I expect improvement soon.

I think I have to go back to bed now and sleep some more. I am sitting here yawning. It will be good to get some more sleep. Bed is the best place to be.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Remembering...

2011-03-10T14:40:00.000+01:00

I have to remember to be in a good mood. There is no reason for me not to be. The world is my oyster, after all. Or so I tell myself. If I keep telling myself, I'll come to believe it too. I always have to remind myself that things could be a lot worse and that I have to count my blessings, although at times they do seem meager.

I suppose that right now I don't see the glass half full but half empty. My not so positive mood is coloring my point of view of the world and my life, but I bet I can talk myself out of it in the shortest amount of time. All it takes is a little bit of optimism and I think I may have some of that lying around still. If I dig deep into the pockets of my bathrobe, I'll be sure to find some.

I don't at all feel like getting the show on the road today. I want to be slothful and lazy. I don't want to be responsible and busy taking care of things. No, it's not so much that I want to be lazy. It's that I can't find the energy to care enough. I only care enough to want to feel good and to be in a better mood. I don't enjoy seeing the glass half empty. I prefer being on the side of optimism and having a positive outlook on my life.

It comes down to taking good care of myself and doing those deeds that will make me feel better about myself. That much is clear. It won't do to hide in a corner and to not take any action. I will have to take matters into my own hands and improve them as much as I can. In my mind I'm already making a list of things to do to get me out of this stupor. It gets clearer as I write about it. All I have to do is match the deed to the thought and I'm on my way. There's nothing like talking yourself out of the doldrums.

I told you I'd find my little bit of optimism. With a little bit of luck I can make it grow into something bigger. I must admit that I had the help of several cups of coffee and that I also took my medicines. It is possible that they had some influence on my way of thinking.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Second wind...

2011-03-09T01:18:00.000+01:00

It's late at night and I had some cups of coffee and I now am having a revival and don't feel like going to bed and think I will stay up a while longer to enjoy the quiet moments of the night. A while ago I was nearly toppling over from tiredness, but I'm over it now through sheer willpower and stubbornness and the aid of caffeine. I am a screwy woman and I do unexpected things, but I figure that I have lots of time to go to bed and sleep and I have much desire to stay up and write.

It's not that I have so many important things to write about. I just want to have a chat and write down words that are popping up from inside of me and that need to come out. I'm in a talkative mood and feel like sharing my unimportant thoughts on nothing in particular at all. I'll pretend I'm sitting in a cafe and having a chat with the person on the barstool next to me while consuming a cold beer or two.

I did have the opportunity to get a six pack of beer today when the Exfactor did the grocery shopping, but I didn't want to over burden him with the load of the already many groceries he had to get. I was being purely altruistic. I have been feeling like having a beer now and then lately, especially to help me sleep.

I've also thought of smoking pot, but I won't go that way. It is legal, but I don't know where there's a coffeeshop close by. I think I'd have to go downtown. The one near by was closed down for selling to minors. That was so stupid of them. I'm not going to ride my bike all the way downtown just to buy a joint.

I'll have to be very sober minded then and write this post with a clear head or as clear as it can get this time of the night. Even though I'm pretending to be wide awake, I'm sort of loopy and god only knows what sort of nonsense I'm going to write. I just want to exist with abandon right now and throw caution to the wind.

I would like to be a character in a movie or a novel and be larger than life and have events turn dramatic in an hilarious way. I'd have to have background music too. A real soundtrack and act in a deeply passionate way with great highs and lows. It would have to be a tragi-comedy.

Well, every mood is temporary and this one is too. I have already come to my senses. I am a middle aged woman with a galloping fantasy, but I have tightened the reigns. My mares will not go flying through my dreams tonight. I've got both feet on the ground again and called myself to order. I've had enough scenes in my life that were of epic proportions and that made a major impact. I don't really need more of them.

I need to go to the doctor because I really do think that I've got bronchitis now. I'm coughing up junk. Remind me to make an appointment.

I'm going to bed to hopefully sleep tight.

Goodnight!

Ciao,
Nora

Moodiness...

2011-03-07T21:23:00.000+01:00

I'm drinking a much needed cup of coffee. I woke up from a nap and for a few minutes I thought I was happy. Then this terrible gloom settled over me and I thought I was getting depressed. That's when I made a pot of coffee and now I'm trying to feel better with the help of a cup of it.

I will drink as much coffee as it takes to make this mood disappear. I don't want any doom and gloom in my life. I'm sure it's just a temporary condition that I can can get rid of quickly. Writing about it helps too. It's as if I banish the bad mood from my mind by writing about it and making it public. I don't know if analyzing it would help, but I think it's just a chemical thing and a reaction to waking up.

I've gotten my second cup of coffee and am really enjoying the taste of it and I like the effect of it too. It seems to be clearing my mind and lifting the gloom. I suppose there are some vices that I will always have. If it isn't any worse than caffeine, I'm not going to worry about it. At least I'm not turning to alcohol or recreational drugs.

You see how easily I can lift myself from one mood to another. I don't know if this would have happened without the caffeine, but I was not willing to wait and find out. I had also taken my medicines when I woke up, so it's possible that they started to work.

I'm planning on having a very quiet evening without the television on. As far as I know, there's not anything on that I absolutely have to watch. There really very seldom is anyway, except for the cultural programs on art and literature on Saturday mornings. Very often I miss those because I sleep late or I only catch the last bit of them. That shows you how important it all is to me.

I started reading a new novel by a male author, but when I got into it a bit, I realized that I was not really enjoying it and that I was not looking forward to sitting down and reading it. I put it back on the bookcase for another time and picked out a new book. It's 'Black Baby' by Clare Boylan.

I haven't opened it up yet, but will start reading it tonight. I do notice that as a rule I like female authors better, although there are exceptions, but those confirm the rule. I suppose I like the subjects that female authors write about and their general style. I guess I identify with women's issues closely, which are really very humane issues. although I don't want to make the claim that male authors don't write about those things well and don't get them right.

All the doom and gloom is gone now and I'm back to normal. Two cups of coffee was all it took. I suppose sitting down and writing for a little while helped too. It does straighten out your mind, especially if you try to write about other things than those that bother you. You must always try to climb out of the black hole that you're threatening to fall into. As the English say, 'Keep a stiff upper lip.'

I'm going to read now and go to sleep late. I will put on my pajamas and bathrobe first so I will be ready to go to bed whenever the mood hits me. I have to wait for the caffeine to exit my system. I think I will have a glass of green tea with lemon because that agreed with me very well last night.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Sitting in silence...

2011-03-07T05:42:00.001+01:00

I've just taken my medicines and I'm waiting for them to start working. It's still very early in the morning and I had planned to sit down and read my new novel, but I can't resist it to write another blog post. As long as I'm sitting here behind the computer and I have nothing else to do for a while, it seems like an opportune moment. My book can wait. There is lots of time to read. The day is my oyster and since today is a holiday, I can do with it as I please and fill the hours with whatever I desire.

At one point, I will go to bed and sleep some more because I haven't slept enough during the night, but at this point I don't feel tired. I feel very much alive and capable of numerous things. Mostly though, I'm very much in the mood to chat, except that there is no one around to chat with. I could talk to the dog, but he is sound asleep and he normally doesn't respond much to what I say to him, except to give me many kisses and wag his tail like mad.

At times like these I need a conversational partner and someone who is as alert early in the morning as I am. It would not do to have someone who sleeps late, which was my problem before. We kept different hours. Luckily, I like my own company well enough and I find that if I write a blog post, it is almost as good as talking to someone, except that it is a monologue. Maybe some day in the future dogs will evolve to the point that they can speak.

I've had many days of quiet now, but because I was so unsettled I hadn't been able to enjoy them very much. I feel that now I will be able to. I'm looking forward to the day and am going to take advantage of every minute of it. I think before I read my book, I will take a shower and put on clean pajamas so that I will be ready to go back to bed when I get sleepy again. There's no sense in getting dressed yet. I will not be up to it. It will be too much of a bother and I will be in much better shape for it later this morning. I don't want to deal with the intricacies of getting properly dressed now.

I do know which clothes I'm going to wear. I have my outfit all picked out. It's going to be a cheerful one to match my mood. I do think my mood is cheerful, although I do feel a little bit tired at this point after having been up for quite a while. But really, these are the best hours of the day and I do enjoy them very much. Especially since I feel no pressure to do anything in particular at any specific time and nobody is waiting for me to do it. Those are the benefits of living alone. You are your own mistress.

With it comes the responsibility of not loafing around too much. At the end of the day you do need to have your jobs done, nobody else is going to do them for you and somebody does have to walk the dog and feed him and the cat. They do depend on you. It's a good thing that I have them otherwise I'd become very unstructured. They do keep me on the straight and narrow to some point as they do keep regular hours.

I'm going to spritz on lots of good perfume when I done with my shower. I do like to smell nice. I don't care if there's no one else around to enjoy it as long as I can. It's strictly for my own benefit and I pretend the dog likes it.

I'm off. Have a wonderful day.

Ciao,

Nora

Spare minutes...

2011-03-06T19:31:00.000+01:00

I just took the dog for a walk in the last minutes of daylight and now the sun is swiftly going down below the horizon. I've turned the lights on in the living room and got myself a tall glass of cold milk. I thought about drinking green tea with lemon, but the cold milk was too tempting. I will start drinking tea instead of all the coffee I've been drinking since coffee doesn't do so much for me now.

Earlier, I had woken up from a nap, but I didn't go through the horrible process of having to look for my good mood. It was there immediately, nor did I have to drink many cups of coffee to come to my senses. I was in fine shape from the moment I woke up. That means that I'm not rapid cycling anymore, which I'd probably been doing longer than I had been aware of myself and which now seems to have stopped. I'm continually in the same mood. It doesn't matter if I've just woken up from a nap or if I've just had a cup of coffee, I'm constantly the same.

I also notice that I'm able to concentrate on my reading very well, at least as long as it's good reading material. I do have to pick my books carefully to fit my need at the moment, but luckily I have a lot of variety to choose from. I do have a lot of unread novels on my bookcase and it will be a while before I'm done reading them. Hopefully, I have to add, because I don't want to have to order any new ones yet. I do get them at a discount and the shipping charges aren't high, but at the rate I read, I would have to order many new books in a hurry.

I do like that in a way, because I like book ownership and I can't have enough of them. I'm very greedy when it comes to owning books, especially if they're shiny and new and hardly used. I've gotten rid of the books that I'd owned for decades and that were worn out and I have replaced them with newer books. I will always keep doing that. I do like the covers on the larger paperbacks and I especially like them when they're colorful and easy to recognize. I always remember a book by its looks.

I'm going to sit down in just a little while and read. First I'm going to put on my pajamas and bathrobe. I've put clean sheets on the bed so that is something to look forward to for later. I can't read in bed, because if I fall asleep with the book in my hands, Tyke will destroy it during the night. He turned two the other day, but he hasn't stopped tearing things apart. He's still a puppy when it comes to things like that, although I do give him rawhide bones to chew on.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Dreaming of good guys...

2011-02-25T18:16:00.000+01:00

I took a nap on the sofa and now the long process of coming back to my senses has started. I already had one cup of coffee, so I'm on my way and I just poured myself a second one.

The first thing I try to do when I wake up is find my good mood and I'm very worried if I can't find it immediately. I try to force myself into one, but that's not how it's done. You can't force those things, they have to happen naturally.

I sat with my first cup of coffee and my cigarette and rather stupidly gazed ahead into the empty space in front of me not seeing anything. I hoped the coffee would rattle my brain and get its gears going more fluidly so that I would be able to think straight and be perky.

After some time of this, the caffeine did begin to work and some of the lights came on. I started to feel more alive and my mood improved to the point that I could say that it was a lot better than when I had woken up. When I had the last drop of coffee, I felt near human again and I knew that the second cup of coffee would be my rescue.

And so it is turning out to be, I'm almost done with it now and it has tasted great and done its job. I guess finding my good mood is not so much a natural process, as it is the result of the intake of caffeine.

Oh, isn't it great that it is Friday again? My apartment is clean thanks to the efforts of the domestic help and I have clean sheets on the bed too. Even the extra blanket that was on it has been washed. I'm so happy. It will be wonderful to go to sleep tonight and have Tyke tucked in cozily behind my knees on the clean blanket.

I will make it a point to enjoy the weekend extra much. I did come sneaking up on me. The week went by so quickly and I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that today was Friday, which usually is a big deal for me. I was too preoccupied to think of it. I was more concerned with how my mood was this week than what day of the week it was.

I've got to take Tyke for a walk. It's almost dark outside and I just have time before the sun sets completely.

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Just sit down and do it...

2011-02-14T08:27:00.000+01:00

I need to take a shower and wash my hair and find some interesting clothes to wear. Before I do that, I need to sit here and drink some coffee and wake up properly. I have a few hours to get my act together and I have a feeling that I'm going to need every one of them at the rate I'm waking up. I haven't had enough sleep and I feel it. I'm rather sluggish this morning and I don't want the day to start at all. I want to go back to bed and have the rest of my beauty sleep. I know that with another three hours of sleep I would be much more cheerful.

I have to make the best of it and get my act together and be just like other people who have to go back to work after the weekend. It's not a pleasure for anybody. I do have to keep in mind that compared to them, I have it relatively easy, so I shouldn't complain too much. I don't have to sit at a desk from eight to five and make upper management happy. I am my own boss. I still decide pretty much what my day is going to look like myself, although I don't realize that often enough. That ought to change my outlook a little bit.

I think the first thing I should do is relax and get the tension out of my body and not anticipate so much stress. It's not going to be a complicated day. I think just because it's the day after the weekend, I get ready to tackle the week as if it is some battle that I'm preparing for. That's highly overrated and not necessary at all and I don't know why I walk around with this idea. Today I only expect my personal helper and the domestic help, but after a very peaceful two days, that seems like a lot.

It's going to be a rainy day today, but I don't mind. The only thing I have to do is walk Tyke between showers. With a little bit of co-operation from him, I ought to manage that. I don't have to go anywhere else today. I do like the rain when I'm inside and it does make it feel cozy in here. I will have to leave on some lights because of the darkness of the day. Already it is overcast and the clouds look threatening. We are getting the weather that they've already had in England. The wind is coming from that direction.

I think I will get ready now. I will go in search of some clean clothes. I will find something to start the week out right with. Something cheerful.

Have a nice day, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

On this gray Sunday...

2011-02-06T16:28:00.001+01:00

I had anticipated doing all of two chores today, but there turned out to be more than I thought. I have been very leisurely doing them while taking breaks in between and watching television.

I watched an interview with the minister of internal affairs, whom I don't like, done by someone who I thought was inept. What a dilemma and how frustrating. They should have got someone who was politically more astute and who would have been able to do a better interview. It was a female journalist and she has a reputation to think of, but I think it is based on hot air. Just because someone is a woman in a men's world, doesn't automatically make her good at her job. Her so called sharp questions were nothing more than irritating mosquitoes that were set loose at an alarming rate.

Anyway, I did my chores and have one left to do, the dishes, and those are my least favorite job. That's why I save those for last. They are really a piece of cake and I dislike them more than they are worth disliking, but I never look forward to them. Not that I have that many and I never have any pots and pans. I don't cook in the traditional sense. I only use the microwave oven. I don't have any grease or baked on gunk to deal with. I really have a very easy job compared to a lot of housewives, but then that is my aim in life. To make as little mess as possible to have to clean up later.

I haven't sat down and read my newly picked out book yet, although I keep meaning to. Somehow I don't seem to get around to it. I get distracted by other things. The time seems to go by very quickly if you sleep late in the morning and take your time waking up with a few cups of coffee. I do like my quiet time in my armchair coming to grips with the day and slowly becoming a semblance of a human being. It takes me a while to get myself together and at first I never know if I will manage it. I have to make a projection in my head of what my day will look like and make some sort of plan of attack. The details are very important. I think I added that I had to walk Tyke and that I omitted that I had to sit down and read my book. I will have to make a new plan for this evening.

I will go and do the dishes now and be done with that. I have to walk Tyke one more time later on this evening. Oh, he just got out his ball and wants to play. What timing.

I hope you all had a good Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

From me to you...

2011-02-04T16:24:00.000+01:00

I've got a brand new bottle of vitamins from A to Z bought for me by the Exfactor and delivered to me this afternoon. They're very large pills, but I only need to take one of them a day. That's easy to remember and I've placed the bottle on my desk so I won't forget. I know I have a shortage of vitamins and minerals in my diet and I thought it was about time I did something about that. I can only be foolish for a certain amount of time and I'm planning on living a long and healthy life. I do hope these pills help me do that. Every little bit helps.

I'm also taking Omega-3 capsules because I've stopped eating fish, what with the oceans being emptied out at a fast rate and fish being imported from China from polluted water and advertised as the solution. I've decided not to eat any animals at all, it's better that way, I think. I've also stopped eating eggs. I'm sure I don't have to tell you anything about the bio-industry that you don't already know. People are so well informed nowadays.

The weekend has started because it's Friday afternoon and the domestic help has been here. She was done in no time at all, meaning the apartment wasn't that much of a mess. I do keep it clean in here and now that Tyke has had his fur trimmed, there's even less hair lying around to vacuum. Gandhi isn't shedding very much either, no doubt holding on to her winter coat.

It's nice that the weekend has started and I aim to enjoy it very much. I always say that and I don't know if I ever really reach my goal. It is always my intent to enjoy it, but then I'm more than ready for it to be over by Sunday. I don't think I get the most out of it that I can, doubtlessly because of feeling guilty that I don't do enough. I still can't handle the fact that those two days are really there for me to do with as I wish. It must be my Calvinistic attitude that gets in the way. A little bit of that seeped in through my upbringing and I think a lot of Dutch people have that problem.

The large black pillow that I ordered for Tyke more than two months ago finally arrived this morning just after I canceled the order. I guess that's what it took to finally get it. Tyke was very excited about the box that it came in and started tearing it apart before I could open it. He payed no attention at all to the pillow when I took it out and showed no interest in lying down on it when I put it on the floor. He will only get on it when I tell him to, but he gets off it as quickly as he can after that. Gandhi shows much interest in it, but is not allowed to lie down on it. Tyke chases her off continually. I've put it in the bedroom and hope that he will sleep on it at night, but I doubt it very much. I think he prefers the bed.

I had opened the bedroom window to air out the place and because it wasn't so awfully cold outside, but I just closed it because I was sitting in a draft and getting a little bit chilly. I turned up the thermostat to get it a little bit warmer in here. The sun is gone behind the clouds and it is getting low on the horizon. It never stopped being stormy today and it felt like autumn outside. I have to go take Tyke for a walk and have my hair blown to bits. It's no day for a decent hairdo, so you can't worry about a thing like that.

I hope you'll all have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting sick?

2011-02-02T01:07:00.000+01:00

I've had one cup of coffee and that will suffice and now I will have a glass of cold milk. It's late at night and I'm sitting here in my bathrobe getting ready to go to bed at some point. I've got a bit of a cold and have to blow my nose regularly. It's no big deal, really. It just gives me a bit of a headache. I feel like I'm getting sick, but I'm trying to ignore it and I keep knocking on wood, saying I never get sick. And I really never do. It will be most inconvenient if I do. I don't have time for it.

The Belgian personal helper was here Monday morning with a respiratory infection and she was on antibiotics. Remember how I had not looked forward to seeing her, because I had to tell her that I wanted to cut down on my personal help? It really went very painlessly, because she could see that I was of a sound mind and perfectly rational and that there was logic to my reasoning. So the confrontation that I had dreaded never came about. All went well. She does seem to have spread some of her germs. I'm less happy about that.

I saw my SPN yesterday, but we really only had a short talk, because there was not that much to discuss. She's basically keeping an eye on me while I go through the reduction of my medicines and making sure that I don't go through any extremes of moods. She's keeping a finger on the pulse. I really don't need to see her every week, but we're doing it just in case. I don't have that much to talk about and I'm done in no time. I don't need any specific help with anything right now.

The longer I sit here, the sicker I'm starting to feel, so I think I will go to bed and get cozy under the duvet. I have a pain on my chest and between my shoulder blades.

I hope you're all having a wonderful night.

Ciao,

Nora

Destinies...

2011-01-31T05:00:00.000+01:00

It's very early in the morning and I woke up with a sore knee as I often do. I can't figure out what I do during the night that makes it so sore. It's bothering me now still and I can't get quite comfortable. It doesn't seem to feel good in any position. It's definitely something to bitch about so early in the day, as if I don't have anything else to do.

Well, as a matter of fact, right now I don't. This is the hour when I can do as I please and take my time doing it. There's nobody rushing me to get anything done. All haste that I feel is only in my imagination. I have oodles of time before my Belgian personal helper shows up and even so, I don't feel that I have to do anything special to get ready for that. The apartment is clean and the chores are done and all I have to do is take a shower at one time.

There will be a confrontation of sorts, because last week I told my other personal helper that I wanted to cut the care from four hours a week down to one. There was some consternation and I expect that today I will be faced with some disbelieve and that some persuasion will be used to bring me to different thoughts. I can't be moved from my point of view, however, and will stick to my guns. I'm done being a needy person and I'm ready to be independent.

I've made a pot of coffee, but I've only had two cups of it. It's making me awfully thirsty and I'm going to have to drink some cold lemonade. Coffee is great to get me kick started, but very often I am before I've even finished the second cup. That's because, I think, I'm not taking so many medicines anymore that made me drowsy all the time and that I used the coffee for to counteract. I was one drug induced woman and that was not good. Now that I'm taking so much less, I really notice the difference.

Yesterday I had a completely lazy Sunday. Well, I did do a few chores, but I did them leisurely and in my own time. I thought that I was going to be struck down by grumpiness all day, but it turned out not to be so bad once I decided not to worry about it and take the day off as is befitting of a Sunday. I didn't get out of my bathrobe all day and took a long nap. I watched sports on television, because there's nothing much else on on a Sunday afternoon, and played with Tyke. He does need his regular amusement.

Gandhi got on my lap whenever I sat still long enough, which was really not that often. She does enjoy lying there, especially when I wear my bathrobe. I got her some different kibbles when I went to the store on Saturday. I had run out of dog and cat food and had to make an emergency run. She seems to enjoy them well enough, so she's not such a finicky cat. She's getting a little bit heftier this winter, but I guess that's normal. She does have a very healthy appetite. She's always at the foreground when it is eating time and makes plenty of noise.

Today is the last day of January, thank goodness, and we have survived it without any snow or ice, as opposed to December when we had lots of it. January went by quickly and wasn't nearly the awful month it could have been. The temperatures were pretty mild and we didn't have to suffer much. February will most likely go by quickly too, because it's a short month. I do appreciate that and so does my bank account balance. Today is going to be a sunny day and not too cold and as the week goes by it will get warmer. I'm going to have to see what bulb plants are already popping out of the ground when I take Tyke for his walks. I'll have to check out people's gardens carefully.

It's still early in the morning now and I have to decide if I'm going back to bed for a while. It is very tempting. I could take a shower now and get dressed and take a nap on the sofa too. It just doesn't seem as comfortable. I'll throw caution to the wind and go back to bed and risk getting up late. It won't be the first time I've welcomed someone in my bathrobe. Oh yes, I can set my alarm clock.

I hope you'll all have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Slip sliding away...

2011-01-29T06:10:00.000+01:00

Tyke's asleep in the armchair and Gandhi is asleep on the sofa. I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee. The world outside is silent. In the bedroom the radio is playing quietly and it will be a good place to go back to in a while. I'm concentrating on the peacefulness and trying to not be in a melancholy mood. I don't know why I should be and I think I will get over it in the shortest amount of time. I just need to readjust my thoughts about the day, which is going to be an ordinary Saturday like any other. If I can get my head in the right place, I will soon see it so.

Yesterday I reduced my anti-depressives further, but I don't think that has anything to do with my present mood. I think it's just a fluke. I looked forward to taking less medicine because it has been such a positive experience so far. Every reduction has been good for me. It's possible that I need to adjust to the lesser amount, but it shouldn't be a lot of trouble and I do have my own psyche to depend on. You must never underestimate the strength of your own mind and the knowledge that's stored in it. You are your own powerhouse first and foremost.

I mustn't let my imagination get away from me and think that today isn't going to be like any other day. The sun will shine and I will go out in it to walk Tyke, warmly dressed. I will also have to go to the little convenience store to buy some cat and dog food which I have run out of. I hadn't put them on the shopping list on Tuesday. Tyke and Gandhi do eat me out of house and home. They seem to have a bigger appetite in the wintertime.

It's silly to think that I won't make it through the day just right. All I have to do is rely on the power of positive thinking. That includes seeing the glass half full, or even darn near filled to the rim. I am usually good at that. I can, as a rule, see things from the optimistic point of view. There are enough small rewards throughout the day to make it easy enough when it threatens to get a little difficult. Finding a fine balance between the nice and not so nice isn't too hard. All things are relative and you mustn't make a mountain out of a molehill.

The best thing will be getting some more sleep. I haven't had enough yet. I was rudely interrupted by my urgent need to go to the toilet. Once I'm up, it's hard to go back to bed immediately because I do have to let Tyke out back for his toilet break. I'm usually wide awake after that.

Have a good day if you're about to get up.

Ciao,

Nora

The lazy days of winter...

2011-01-27T13:54:00.001+01:00

Actually, there really aren't that many lazy days to be had in wintertime, nor are there any other time of the year. I'm pretending that today is one of them, but I do have some things to take care of, cleaning up the kitchen being one of them. The kitchen always seems to get out of hand quickly, but then we do use it a lot and the dishes do stack up. With 'we' I mean the animals and I. There are no other human beings here to complicate things. The bowls and dishes of the animals need to be washed too and they do get food particles all over the place that need to be wiped away. They are just like clumsy toddlers and then there's Gandhi who overeats and barfs. That's always a nice little mess to clean up. Thank goodness for paper towels. I could not do without them.

I've now gotten used to how Tyke looks with his new haircut and no longer think he's a strange dog that came walking in off the street. I recognize his kindly eyes in his sweet face. He did stick awfully close to me on the bed during the night and I think he was a little bit cold and was looking for warmth. That's why I had put down an extra blanket for him to lie down on. Gandhi wanted to lie down on it too, but was chased away. Tyke does keep the best spots for himself. He knows a good deal when he sees it. Gandhi had to retreat to the head of the bed beside my pillows. I will have to put down a towel or something for her to lie down on. She has to be made feel special too.

My knee still hurts, even though I use it as normally as I can. I can't do anything but. I do have to walk Tyke and do my other chores and sitting around doing nothing is not good for it. I don't know what to do differently.

Because today is Thursday, I will celebrate it by being extra kind to myself and getting the chores out of the way immediately, so that I will have the rest of the day to do nothing but enjoy myself. The less pressure on my shoulders, the better. It is always a good idea to get the less exciting things done first, so they don't bother you anymore. If you put them off, they keep looming ahead of you, so you never can relax completely. Thursday is supposed to be my day off, but for some reason, I have all kinds of things to do.

Every once in a while, a snowflake drifts by the window. I don't think it is anything serious. They are just random snowflakes and not a real snow shower. Tomorrow the sun is supposed to shine all day.

I hope you all have a nice day and that your weather treats you right.

Ciao,

Nora

Ode to my knee...

2011-01-24T19:19:00.000+01:00

Late this morning I called the doctor's office to find out about the result of my X-ray, which I should have called about on Friday, but which I forgot to do. Actually, it didn't seem that important once I knew that my knee wasn't broken. Still, it continued to bother me, so I thought I had better call. The assistant said for me to come in and have the doctor have a look at my knee to decide if it needed to be taped.

I walked over there (it only takes me a few minutes) and the doctor checked my knee and found the sore place almost immediately (this was a different doctor than the one who had looked at it before). It turned out that I had sprained the ligaments in my knee. I can't believe how sore the place was that he had put his fingers on. It's no wonder that I have been walking around in pain.

He wrote a prescription for some sport's ointment and told me to apply it twice a day and told me that the ligaments would take some weeks to heal. He did say to use the knee as normally as possible. If you don't, everything stiffens up and it gets worse. I do know now why some movements hurt me so much more than others and why it hurts even to sleep.

So that was the story about my knee. I am glad that we got to the root of the problem. I knew something was wrong with it besides the painful cut.

Other than that, it was just an ordinary Monday. My personal helper was here and so was the domestic help. The apartment is clean and the dishes are done. It was with some amount of relief that I saw the last person leave and I could take a nap on the sofa. It was much needed, even though I had slept a few hours in the morning. Obviously, I still don't get enough sleep at night.

Have a great evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Walking in the rain...

2011-01-23T19:13:00.000+01:00

I've walked in the rain twice today, but both times Tyke and I didn't go as far as we did yesterday. I just wasn't in the mood for it and my knee did bother me. Mostly I didn't feel like walking all that far, although it would have been fun for Tyke. I do have to take him into consideration when I make decisions like that. It has to be enjoyable for him too. It's for him that I take the walks, after all. I imagine that he does want to get out as much as possible.

I do try to make it interesting for him by altering the route just a little bit and going someplace where we haven't been for a while. It does mean that I have to drag him away from places if he takes too long dawdling somewhere in somebody's hedge. I don't want anyone complaining about a dog being stuck in their shrubbery. You never know how people will react. Sometimes people are very protective of their shrubbery and don't want dogs so much as sniffing it. Tyke does have the tendency to want to do more than sniff.

I've just made myself some coffee, because I was starting to wane. I was becoming lifeless and immobile and I can't have that. I don't want to have to drag myself off to bed yet. It's much too early for that and I haven't changed the sheets yet like I promised myself I would. I'm bound to do that yet. I will sleep in a clean bed tonight.

The coffee has revitalized me and I can function again. One cup is all it takes. It perks me right up, like I wish my plants would when I water them. Unfortunately, they don't quite react that way. Luckily, I do react that way to coffee and I can always count on it to do the trick. I mustn't drink too much of it, though, because it is my intention to go to sleep at a civilized time and to not stay up all night. I don't know what's on television, but I prefer lying in a clean bed listening to the radio.

I'm sure that Tyke would like to lie on the bed too, but his belly and paws are all damp from the wet grass and he's not really very welcome, unless he sticks to the foot of the bed. I doubt he will do that, because he usually wants to get right in my face before he settles down. He does like to get up close and personal, especially if Gandhi is around and seems to get attention. He tries to shove her off the bed when she gets too close to me. He also shoves her out of the way when it is dinner time. He would lock her up in another room if he could. All I have to say is 'eat' and Tyke starts shoving Gandhi out of the way.

It's time to take him out one more time. I checked to make sure that it's not raining anymore. After that I'll take out the trash and change the bed. It's too bad that tomorrow is Monday. I could have done with another weekend day. Tomorrow it's back to business and an alarm clock that doesn't work.

Have a nice evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Saturday morning...

2011-01-22T11:14:00.000+01:00

After a false start last night, I did make it to bed and sleep soundly and have sweet dreams. I got woken up this morning by Tyke who decided to lick me awake very cheerfully. You can't be grumpy with a wake up call like that, but I wasn't planning on being grumpy anyway, It's Saturday after all and a day to be happy on, even though outside it is drizzling and it is a gray day. I don't mind that one bit. A little bit of rain never got me down and I do live in the Netherlands and have to be prepared for gray days.

The coffee tastes good and so do my cigarettes. It's a great way to start the day. As long as I have those components plus my Internet connection, there's not much that can go wrong. It's the simple things in life that give pleasure. Like the warmth of my bathrobe and the comfort of my slippers. They say a child's hand is quickly filled, but I think it's more than a child's hand that is. I think a grown up can be quickly satisfied too if she's not too greedy. With the advance of age you learn not to be.

I'm going to take the day as it comes and not plan anything ahead of time, except for Tyke's walks. I have to hang up a load of laundry to dry, but there's no rush. I may change the bed. Nothing is really crucial. Don't you just adore days like that? Usually it turns out that you do actually get things done that you weren't expecting to just from puttering around. I do know how to putter. I think it's my favorite pastime.

I think it's been well established now that I don't have a green thumb when it comes to house plants. I look at the sorry state of mine and can only shake my head. They're all in a state of dying and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'll have to do without houseplants, because I can't keep replacing them and killing them one by one. Even the most hardy ones don't survive. I've had so many different kinds of plants now and they've all died. The only solution is to get fake plants and I've heard that good ones are expensive. They may be well worth the investment, though. I have four plants left and they're all shouting for help.

I think I will get dressed and walk Tyke in the drizzling rain. It's not too cold outside and there is no wind. That's always a good thing. Wind makes everything worse. At least it's not cold enough to be snowing, you do have to see the optimistic side of things. The glass is always half full.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Firmly planted...

2011-01-21T07:20:00.000+01:00

I'm very happily sitting here with my second cup of coffee waiting for the morning to catch up with me. It can take its time for all I care. I'm not in a great hurry to have the day started and the sun can rise late for all I care today. I'm too cozily planted here in my chair to want to have to get up and get dressed. Besides, it's a great excuse to rest my knee, which I vowed to take care of as far as that is possible with a lively dog who wants to be played with and walked on a regular basis.

I'm about to finish my coffee and have a glass of cold milk and take my medicines. Today I reduce my anti-psychotics by 1 mg. I'm looking forward to doing this and I'm not too worried about it as I think I will be fine. I feel good and am in the right condition to do it. My attitude is good and I feel pretty fearless. There's not much that can stop me now.

I slept well and had pleasant dreams about puppies. I laid awake for a long time after I went to bed early, but I listened to the radio, so it wasn't boring. I turned all the lights off but the night light and laid in the semi-dark and let my mind wander while I also paid attention to what I heard on the radio. Some things I heard made me think of other things and so it goes. Your mind does travel.

Sometimes that's the only chance I get to really think about things that require my attention. It's good to briefly give them some thought. Not to do any great pondering. It's not the right time for that, but very often that's not really necessary. Thinking longer and harder about something isn't going to make a difference. I don't have anything that difficult in my life anyway.

The cold milk tastes great. It's a food as well as a thirst quencher. It's a nice way to wake up my stomach after those initial cups of coffee.

Today I'm only expecting the domestic help. I've got to clean up the kitchen and take down the dry laundry before she gets here. It's possible that the Exfactor will come by, but I haven't heard anything from him.

It's with some joy that I welcome Friday, the day before the weekend. It's almost as good as the weekend itself. It's a real slowing down day. All of you who work will feel the same way about today and have real reason to. More so than I do.

Well, much as I dislike it, it is time to get the show on the road. I've got to get dressed and walk Tyke and then do my chores.

Have a great day you all.

Ciao,

Nora

The 100th post for this one...

2011-01-20T06:09:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting here in the early morning with my usual cup of coffee, really done with the caffeine and ready for a glass of cold milk. I've slept enough, because I went to bed very early last night. I couldn't resist going to sleep. I was so done with the day. I wasn't in a good mood and felt rather grumpy and wanted to just go to sleep while listening to the radio under the warm duvet. So that's exactly what I did and it was the most pleasant thing I could have done. You do have to know when to end the day and call it quits. There's no sense in prolonging it when it's not going well.

No doubt I was grumpy at the prospect of having to have my knee X-rayed today. That's an interruption in my day that I'm not looking forward to. Thursdays are my day off when I normally don't have any appointments and I hate to waste a few hours going to the hospital to be told that there is nothing wrong with my knee, which doubtlessly they'll tell me. I was looking forward to having a quiet day just doing some administrative jobs and putting my leg up to give it a rest.

I did talk to my psychiatrist yesterday and as of tomorrow he wants me to reduce my anti-psychotics by another 1 mg. This will bring me on a low dose that I've not been on in a very long time and I'm very curious to see how I will do. With my eternal optimism I think I will do well. I have no reason to believe otherwise. I must assume the best and have faith in myself and the system. Having faith in my psychiatrist also.

I must remember that all people have moods and that you can't constantly be in a good one. There are going to be moments that you are grumpy for whatever reason. Every mood is temporary and you just have to take care of them as well as possible. In my case it seems that sleep is always the best solution. I can go to sleep in one mood and wake up in another one. That's a piece of cake.

It's going to be a bit cold today. Just a degree or so above freezing. We've had such nice temperatures that it's hard to accept these lower ones. I think we all assumed that winter was over and done with, which was rather naive. We've got a way to go yet. Some of the early bulb plants are already popping out of the ground, fooled into thinking spring is coming. It's going to be freezing tonight and there will be wintry showers tomorrow.

I think I will go back to bed for a while. I can sleep a few more hours before I have to go to the hospital.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

The day as it went in general...

2011-01-18T19:18:00.000+01:00

I really want to complain about my knee. Since I hurt it, it's been such a bother, but I did find out that the best thing to do is to treat it as normal as possible. If I'm too careful with it. my muscles stiffen up and I'm even farther from home. So I do everything like I normally would, except for going up and down the stairs, which luckily I don't have to do much.

My knee does hurt and that's the bother and it's very tiring, but it hurts no matter what I do. It makes no difference if I keep it stretched or bent, it's all the same, so I just do whatever the heck I want. It bothered me during the night, no matter which position I was in, and I had to get up to get comfortable a few times. I finished sleeping on the sofa with my leg hanging over the side. That was the best position to be in and it was the longest I slept.

It's nice to complain about my knee. It gives me something to do and the pain preoccupies me. It keeps my thoughts off other things that might be more bothersome, such as checking my bank account balance or looking in the mailbox. I'll do those things tomorrow. For now I just worry about my knee.

It's been an alright day. It rained a lot and it was a little bit chillier at the end of the day. It was raining when I had to go see my SPN and I walked over there under my umbrella. On the way home it rained again. My umbrella is getting old and ratty looking and I'm going to have to get a new one. I thought I had another one, but it seems to have disappeared. I have no idea what happened to it, unless it was kidnapped during the divorce. It was much nicer than the one I have now.

My knee hurt the whole way over and back, but I figured that it hurt anyway, so it made no difference if I walked on it. Scaling the stairs by the station was difficult, but I did it carefully like a lame woman. I didn't want to ride my bike in the rain, because I would have gotten very wet and I think it would have been worse for my knee pedaling around like that.

The Exfactor got here later in the afternoon to do the groceries. He'd had a hard time getting out of bed and thought maybe he was coming down with something. It is also possible that he was just plain tired. He was planning on being well again tomorrow. He's enough of an optimist. He's just like me and gives himself only a limited amount of time to not feel well. I usually give myself a day or two at the most. I think that's more than enough. Anything beyond that is pushing it. Of course, I never really truly get sick. It's all in my head if I do.

I'm going to put my pajamas and bathrobe on. I think it's time to get comfortable. I will take an aspirin for the pain. Not that it will really help much. I have no faith in it at all.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Unbeknownst to me...

2011-01-15T21:36:00.000+01:00

I just woke up from a short nap on my bed. I took it because I was cold and tired and moody and I knew no better solution. It seems to have solved my problems and I think I'm okay now. I'm having a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am only yawning a little bit. My short nap seems to have fooled Tyke into thinking that it's nighttime. He's sound asleep by my feet and it looks like he is going to stay that way. He is snoring. Gandhi is taking the opportunity and is eating his kibbles.

The day has gone by without a wrinkle in it. It was a smooth day. Of course, not much happened in it, so that may have been the reason for it. It was an absolutely uneventful day. All I did with it was sleep and watch television. I may as well have not gotten up. Well, I did walk Tyke and feed him and Gandhi, so I guess I served some purpose today. I mustn't totally negate my role in the order of things.

It would have been nice if I had watched good television, but as it is, I didn't really watch one intelligent program. I sat there like an idiot and took it all in and changed the channel in search of something better unsuccessfully, until I had the sense to turn the thing off completely. I played with Tyke and petted him for a long time and he is becoming very spoiled, because he thinks my purpose in life is to sit there and cater to his needs exclusively. It's no wonder that we've built up such a strong bond.

I realized that Gandhi gets the short end of the stick and when I came home from walking Tyke next, I made it a point to greet her abundantly to which she reacted very enthusiastically. She does need attention and she doesn't get enough of it because Tyke hogs it all, so I have to make sure that she gets some on a regular basis. I definitely have to make it a point to greet her when I come in. Besides, Tyke needs to see that she's important too. He'll just have to be jealous. It's too bad. Gandhi is very affectionate and comes to me often to lie on my lap, but Tyke always tries to get in the way. I have to push him aside to make room for her.

I'm very much looking forward to going to bed tonight, but I'm going to see if I have any clean sheets in the closet. I know I just changed my bed, but it's so nice to get into a clean one. I think I may have some extra sheets that I can put on and then it will be a pleasure to go to bed. You have to make bedtime as much fun as possible. That's why it's so nice to have the radio on and to listen to it while I fall asleep. I've also gotten much better informed since I started listening to the radio because of the diversity of programs that are on.

I'm going to change my bed and put my pajamas and bathrobe on. Then I'm going to make myself a glass of warm milk. It will be a kind thing to do to my stomach. I may even make myself some hot chocolate, that would be even kinder.

Have a good night!

Ciao,

Nora

Trial by error...

2011-01-14T00:40:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting here late in the evening with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Tyke's asleep by my feet and outside it is raining. It's perfect, isn't it? It only seems that way, because I'm wide awake and I have to do something with my time. It doesn't even have to be useful. I have to do things that will keep me occupied. I mustn't fret, though, because I'm sure I will think of things as time passes and then there's always a book to read if all else fails.

I had to drink the cup of coffee to straighten out my mind, which was slightly befuddled. I know the coffee always takes care of that. It puts everything back into the proper working order. I haven't had tea to drink since my unfortunate experience with it. Of course, that was regular tea and I may try something like rooibos or green tea with lemon. I do have some of that on the kitchen shelf. One of those may work out better and I may not have such a bad reaction to them. I may try some of that tonight.

It's a balmy 12 degrees Celsius outside (54F). It's unheard of this time of the year. I'm very happy about it. I stood by the back door in my pajamas and was not cold. I can only hope that the weather continues to be this kind. Maybe the weather gods will smile kindly upon us. It isn't necessary to have ice and snow in the wintertime, after all. We very well can do without them. Of course, everybody who likes to skate would disagree with me. A bunch of marathons on natural ice were skated when it was so cold. Of course, 'cold' is a relative term. It never did get as cold here as it does in the American Mid-West and some parts of Canada.

Today, because it's Friday now, I'm reducing my anti-depressives some more and will be on two-thirds of the original dose. I'm very curious about how I will do on that. I really don't expect any problems. I think the change will go painlessly and that I will have more energy as a result. It is a long time ago since I was on such a low dose, I can't even remember when that was. I've taken too much of my medications for such a long time. They were always mega doses. I don't know why that was, except for an inability to get the combination right. There was a lack of understanding about what worked best when. I think we're much clearer on that now. A different psychiatrist and other insights are the key. There's much more clarity on my part too.

I have to decide how to spend the rest of the night. I'm obviously not going to bed yet. Probably that nap I took earlier in the evening was not such a good idea. It got me over the need to sleep. I'm awfully thirsty and have to think of what I'm going to drink next. I think a glass of cold lemonade sounds good. That's what I just got and indeed it does. I'm going to look at blog templates. Maybe there's something interesting there.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

The time's passing...

2011-01-12T08:00:00.000+01:00

I'm writing this under some time pressure, but I've decided that it is half the fun, because it will make me hurry up and finish it and not dawdle and daydream, which I do a lot of when I write a post. I'm always ending up staring into the middle distance with some other thoughts in my mind but the ones I'm supposed to be writing down, making the process last twice as long. That's fine if you have all the time in the world, but not if you're short of it as I am now.

I'm supposed to be hurrying up and taking a shower, but I thought that I was not at all in the mood for that yet and that I would put it off until the last possible moment, because I so dislike my shower that drips and leaks into the bathroom past the shower curtain. It is no pleasure at all to stand under it. As a matter of fact, I dislike it very much.

So instead I'm sitting here with another glass of cold milk and a cigarette and I'm pounding on the keyboard as if my life depends on it. It's a good way to keep myself occupied in the dark hours of the morning. Tyke and Gandhi are still sound asleep and there's nothing moving outside either. The world is still at rest.

I've taken my medicines and feel that I've done my duty. All I have to do now is wait for them to work, although I hardly notice that lately. That's because I'm taking so much less now, that it really doesn't have much of an impact. It's not as if I say after a half an hour, my God, they're working. It's a more gradual process than that.

I'm still yawning, making me question if I've really had enough sleep yet. It wouldn't surprise me if I needed a nap this afternoon, though I hope that I don't and that I save up all my sleep for tonight, because I do so enjoy sleeping well at night.

The animals have waken up and I've fed them and they're now contentedly eating their food, one a lot quicker than the other. Gandhi eats very daintily. She is a delicate cat, after all, with better table manners. She's not in the least like Tyke who gulps his food down. Tyke is now lying spread eagled on the floor digesting his food.

I've got to hang up a load of laundry, which are mostly my clothes which I pulled out of the closet for a washing because they smelled like smoke. I can't have that. It will be nice to hang them up and get a whiff of the clean smell of washing powder. It will be even nicer to wear them when they're dry.

I look forward to the day which will be a relaxed one. It is going to rain today, so there will be a lot of hibernating. I will take Tyke out between showers. I'm sure I will find ways to entertain myself. It is not too difficult to get lost in my own thoughts.

I have to go, Duty calls. I must get the show on the road.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Before the noise starts...

2011-01-10T07:56:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting here with a wonderful cup of coffee and there's more in the pot. I'm going to take my time getting ready this morning because I'm not expecting my personal helper until 11 o'clock. That gives me lots of time to get the show on the road and I can sit here in my bathrobe for quite some time yet. It is early still and I don't have to rush. These are the best kinds of mornings.

I've slept surprisingly well, having woken up several times, but always being able to go back to sleep until I was done with that and ready to get up. Tyke needed to go out and I needed a cup of coffee. The early morning is a sacred time of the day and I wouldn't allow anything to disturb it. I'm lucky in that nothing does. They are the hours of the day that I feel completely at ease and one with the universe.

I think I feel this good because whatever is going to happen isn't happening yet and I am in a big postponement. I can let things slip my mind until it's almost time. For now I exist in a time of limbo in which everything is suspended, as if I'm in a waiting room between trains and I'm not going anywhere for a while. I'm in a long pause having a refreshment. It really is like a journey and on regular times I hop on trains that come through. The fact that these trains don't take me anywhere but another place in my mind doesn't matter.

I am aware of the things that go on in the world around me. I am up to date on them. Some of them are very dire and sad. I do try to stay informed about the state of affairs around the world, as far as that is possible for the average citizen. A lot of times it leaves me feeling flabbergasted and frustrated. Man's cruelty to his fellow man never ceases to amaze me. What people are capable of is incredible. It would be nice to close your eyes and ears to these things, but that is not possible. You have to try and make sense of the world around you, although that seems like an impossible job.

I've taken my medicines, although whether or not they work is indifferent to me. I'd like to keep feeling exactly the way I feel now and not any different. I'm not so impressed with my medicines anymore and do no longer believe that I need them to live a happy life. I'm more convinced now of my own abilities to do that. I think that at this point I'm just hooked on them and that I need to get unhooked. Maybe I need a small amount of them, but certainly not the doses that I've been taking. I don't think I'm that crazy. There is such a thing as mind over matter.

I think I'll slowly start getting some things done. There are some dishes I have to sort out and laundry that needs to be put away. The dishes aren't my favorite job.

I hope you all have a great day. I'm planning on having one myself.

Ciao,

Nora

Further adventures...

2011-01-08T14:57:00.000+01:00

I just came in from the blustery weather, The wind is blowing around the left over leaves from the fall and there's just a little bit of rain. It was nice to be out there, because it's not cold. At least not by our standards. And there's no snow out there, hallelujah... that's something to celebrate.

Tyke had a good time. He likes the wind. He likes running in it as far as the leash allows it. I don't quite run along with him. I'm too old for that. My knees would not allow it. I only run if it starts to rain hard. Then I make it to the apartment as quickly as I can. I don't do bad for an old lady. For a spry middle aged woman. I mustn't tell fibs and stick to non fiction as much as possible.

I wasn't going to get dressed at all today, but then I took pity on the dog who did have to go out and who couldn't take a lazy Saturday off like I did. I really wanted to stay in my bathrobe and be completely slothful. Fortunately, I do have a conscience and thought better of it. Getting dressed and taking the dog out for a walk is not that difficult, after all. Not when all the snow and ice are gone.

I have a tendency to think that each job is a big deal, but always end up enjoying something about it, if not the very fact that I did it and feel the satisfaction of that. I'm hard to move otherwise. I think I belong to that infamous group of procrastinators. I have to plan everything very long and carefully ahead of time.

I'm still in the process of decreasing my medicines. I've reduced my anti-psychotics by another 2 mg and reduced my anti-depressives as of yesterday. So far I feel good, if not a little upbeat. It could be that I'm not so dulled by the medicines. Maybe my true nature will come to the foreground now. I haven't truly been me in a long time. I'm curious who will be there. I'm assuming that everything will go well and that the reduction will be a success.

I've got to eat a late lunch now. Mushroom soup. Mmm...

Have a good afternoon.

Ciao,

Nora

Blow me over...

2011-01-07T07:57:00.000+01:00

It's that time of the day again, when I sit with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes in the not so early morning and ponder the meaning of life. I haven't come up with anything good yet, except that I think there is no meaning and that we're just supposed to get on with it and make the very best of it. Living well is the best revenge. I think you're supposed to say that to your enemies and I don't think I have many of those. I'm ignorant of them anyway. It's best to stay ignorant.

I've slept well and went back to bed after I got up and went to the toilet, completely ignoring Tyke who thought he had to go out. I wasn't about to stand in the cold by the back door and wait for him to get done sniffing the whole patio. I wanted to get back in my warm bed as quickly as possible and continue sleeping. Darn the dog, he would just have to cross his legs and wait until I got up. He did surprise me with a turd by the back door. Oh well.

It's with a good attitude that I sit here, because it's Friday and that is one of my favorite days. No matter how much I complain about the weekends, I still look forward to them and I still think of them as a restful period without too many responsibilities. How I fill my weekends is up to me and I can make them as exciting as I want them to be, which mostly I don't. So that's my choice. I can't blame anyone but myself if that doesn't work out well.

The domestic help is coming today and that means that I have some chores to do before I rest on my laurels. I don't know what those laurels are that I'm supposed to rest on. I guess I better look that up. The dictionary did not give a satisfactory explanation. It didn't say what laurels are.

I will have to take down the dry laundry and put it away and mop the spare bedroom. The kitchen also needs to be cleaned up. Speaking of kitchens, I have a huge craving for a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, but you mustn't think that I have anything like it in the freezer compartment. That would be too much of a good thing. I should be so lucky. I will have a tall glass of ice cold milk instead and be satisfied with that. It will take care of my craving for something cold, but then I still have to take care of my sweet tooth. No doubt I'll figure out a way to deal with that.

The rain has washed away most of the snow and ice. It's almost all gone, so my wish has come true. I'm glad about that. Now I can ride my bike in my own street again and not worry about breaking my neck. It's so nice to see the pavement again after all these weeks. There are supposed to be more showers today and tonight, so those will be most welcome. I will be able to walk Tyke safely and not be up to my ankles in slush.

It's time to get ready. Duty calls me. I have to shower and wash my hair, which is flattened on one side and looks most unbecoming. I do have to welcome the day with attractive hair.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Stubbornly...

2011-01-05T17:55:00.000+01:00

My personal helper was here for only 45 minutes this morning. I sent her away, because I couldn't keep my eyes open. I asked her nicely to leave. I didn't show her the door. I'm not as rude as all that. We had walked Tyke in the cold wind and she had hung up the laundry for me, but I just wasn't functioning. I went straight to bed and slept until 1 pm, when the phone rang and I obediently answered it. That was out of habit more than anything else.

Because I suspected that my medication was the cause of the tiredness that I feel all day long, I sent my psychiatrist an email asking him if I could reduce the anti-psychotics some more. Then I laid down under the red fleece blanket on the sofa and took another nap. I was awakened by the phone at 4 pm. It was my psychiatrist and he agreed that we had to change something about my medication, but he wanted to make sure that my mood was good. I assured him it was and that I was suffering purely from a physical tiredness.

He told me to reduce the anti-psychotics another 1 mg starting today and then he's going to call me on Friday to see how I'm doing. If I'm doing well, we're also going to reduce the anti-depressives. He wants to be very careful with this, because he does not want to cause any mood disturbances and there's a chance that the changes will. There's also a very good chance that I will get over my lethargy the less medicine I take and now is as good a time as ever to try it.

Of course, I have to keep in mind that any craziness I feel will not be my craziness, but will purely be the effect of the withdrawal symptoms. It's important that I remember that in case I start to doubt myself. I'm so hooked on those pills that it's going to be hard to do without them. I just have to assume that I can, just like I did without the first 2 mg I reduced. I mustn't get nervous about that.

It's now towards the end of the afternoon and I've pretty much slept the day away. I feel less tired. I'm listening to Pink Floyd: 'The Dark Side of the Moon.' That's just weird enough for me. I remember when I first heard this music. I thought it was so strange, but it did have it's appeal to me. I think that was in 1980. My god, that is 31 years ago. I do date myself.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Restfulness and music...

2011-01-04T19:25:00.000+01:00

The Exfactor was here earlier today and the whole time he was here, I did nothing but yawn. It was so rude of me, but I couldn't help myself. It happened spontaneously. It got so bad that I made him yawn in turn and I don't think he was as sleepy as I was. When he went to the grocery store, I took Tyke for a walk, hoping the fresh air would wake me up, but it did no such thing, so after the Exfactor left, I took a nap in my bed.

It was wonderful. I went to sleep listening to the CD of the thunderstorm and wishing there was a real thunderstorm outside. I had no such luck, of course, although it had become overcast when I woke up and it looked like it was going to snow, but since then the sun has come out again. I'm still yawning and I can't figure out why, because I slept very well last night, but I just had a glass of cold lemonade and I think maybe that's what I needed.

No, that wasn't it either... I'll just have to make myself a cup of coffee. That ought to do the job.

The sun is setting and it's getting dark in the living room. I'll have to turn on some lights. The animals were asking for food, so I fed them. It's awfully quiet in the apartment without the radio on. The silence is palpable. Not that it bothers me, but I think I should have some music.

I've had my cup of coffee and I'm now listening to 'Tous les Matins du Monde.' The music moves my soul. It touches my emotions and makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time. It's confusing. I'm happy and sad about it at the same time. I haven't listened to my music in a long while. All of it has stories attached to it. None of my music comes without memories. That's why it is so bittersweet to listen to. I suppose it's the same for everybody else.

I'm going to listen to Beethoven's 9th Symphony next. I heard a live performance of that when I was a bit tipsy on champagne. It was very impressive. I loved it before that time and I loved it afterwards. I saw it with someone I was very much in love with. I think that helped make it magic too, although I knew at the time that our relationship was doomed. I think maybe I better not listen to that CD. It's bound to bring back too many memories. A flood of them. I'll have to pick out something else. Maybe some Pink Floyd. How's that for something different? Or The Doors.

Not having stopped yawning yet, I've gotten another cup of coffee. I'm dawdling something awful while I'm writing this. My mind is not at all on the job. I keep doing other things instead. I've moved the radio/CD player into the living room so I can hear the music better without having to turn it up too loud. Now it's closer to the CD rack and I don't have to carry the CDs into the bedroom where Tyke was threatening to eat the boxes. He got to the shelf by way of the bed. Darn dog.

I'm listening to The Doors now and I hardly have any memories that go with this music. This goes back to a fairly innocent time in my life when I had no complicated love affairs or other intricate problems. I was too young for them. I can listen to this music with pure unadulterated pleasure. Isn't it nice when something has no memories attached to it? It's a big relief. I can also listen to The Beatles and The Rolling Stones without any problems, because I really wasn't into them.

Well, I think this has gotten long enough. I can sit here all night and keep writing, but I do have to know when to stop. I'm going to visit blogs and check my emails.

Have a good evening, you all.

Ciao,

Nora

THe Merry Month Of January...

2011-01-02T07:10:00.000+01:00

Of course, January is not at all a merry month and except for New Year's Day, there's not one holiday in it. It's just a dreary winter month that needs to be gotten through the best way possible. It's a long month too, with 31 days and lord only knows what sort of weather awaits us.

It's going to rain later on this week and maybe it will get rid of what's left of the snow and ice that's left on the sidewalks and in the streets. I will be more than happy if it will. Tyke pulls me into the deeper snow on the grassy areas where he wants to stick his nose into it and I am ankle deep into it. It's hard to keep a stubborn little strong dog on the beaten path. He does drag you along when you have bad footing. He has four strong legs as opposed to your two more slippery ones.

Today is Sunday and a day of rest. I will spend it suitably so. I have a few chores to do, but nothing really too exciting and I can take it pretty easy. I'm waiting for the television programming to get back to normal after all the specials that have been on, some of which have been interesting, but some of which have been utterly boring and predictable, such as a concert that consisted of almost nothing but Strauss compositions, of which The Blue Danube was the best. It was a German production and I don't know why we have to be exposed to it. It was so kitsch, with the audience clapping in rhythm to the most popular melodies.

There was some good cabaret on with sharp social and political sketches and good songs. I do always enjoy that and hope nobody gets spared who deserves it. Tall trees catch a lot of wind and tall twisted trees especially.

I'm going back to bed. It's too early to be up yet. I can sleep for a few more hours.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

New Year's Eve...

2010-12-31T19:24:00.001+01:00

I'm sitting here early in the evening with a cup of coffee, because I have to stay up all evening and not go to bed at my regular time. This is much to my distress, but the fireworks will go off all over the place at midnight and it will be like World War II broke out and that noise will last for about 45 minutes. It will be impossible to go to sleep before that time, because there's no doubt that I will be woken up and that I will not be able to go back to sleep with that serenade.

I also worry about how Tyke will react to all the racket. Fireworks have been going off since 10 o'clock this morning, when it became legal to light them. Tyke hasn't reacted much to them yet, but I don't know what he will do when hundreds of them will go off all at once. Gandhi is very wary and I know she is scared of them and will hide under the dresser in the living room at midnight. All I can do is be a comforting presence and stay calm myself.

I do have to say that the constant explosions are getting on my nerves and I'm longing for some quiet. Random fireworks are not a tradition I'm fond of. Especially since they seem to be teenage boys that are the most interested in them. You don't see hordes of girls going around the neighborhood lighting them.

The element of danger and the loud noise seem to attract the boys. Also the opportunity to make pests of themselves legally. They throw the firecrackers as close to your windows as they can and the worst thing you can do is get mad about it. They will terrorize you the rest of the day. They're not nice boys and they don't have nice parents. They're from one neighborhood over and come here to provoke.

There will be the usual entertainment on television tonight. Lots of comedy and song and dance. It will be a real treat. I will probably fall asleep on the sofa, unless I fall asleep in my armchair. I just won't be as comfortable. I will wrap myself up in the red fleece blanket and get as cozy as I can. I will even turn up the heater, which I haven't done all day. I forgot to be cold.

Have yourself a Happy New Year and may all your wishes come true.

Ciao,

Nora

Landscape...

2010-12-27T17:07:00.000+01:00

I slept on the sofa this morning, but I was so sound asleep, that I hardly remember doing it. I was so discombobulated afterwards, that it took three cups of coffee for me to get back to normal. I think I was not at all done with my night sleep and that I had gotten up prematurely. I had taken a shower and had gotten dressed. I did manage to get that done. Don't ask me how. It was a feat of immeasurable proportions, considering that I really wasn't quite awake. Sometimes I'm capable of doing the impossible and pulling it off. I even surprise myself.

I did get dressed in decent clothes. I had enough sense to pick out a nice outfit, though I did open the closet and grab the first things that were there. I was just lucky that they were good clothes. I'm dressed in black with a lavender accent and, considering Tyke is black, this is a good choice, because none of his fur shows up on it. He does climb on top of me regularly in the mistaken belief that he's a lapdog. He tries and makes himself as small as possible, but I do suffer the consequences. He's quite heavy when he stands on my stomach. As a result, I'm developing very strong muscles there.

The domestic help was here and put order to the apartment and everything is nice and clean again. It is a relief. I do so appreciate her and her friendly face. My personal helper didn't make it, but she had told me that she might not, as she was dependent on the bus and she had to take it all over the place. I don't mind, since I slept all morning instead. It would have been tough to stay awake and be good company, although that's not a first priority, of course. I must remember that she's here for me and that I'm not here to be good company for her. I'm not the hostess. I'm the client.

I've lost another kilo, putting me now at the weight that the Obesitas Specialist said I should aim for. I think that's very nice, but there's nothing to prevent me from losing more weight and I will if I can. I'm not going to starve myself. I will eat when I'm hungry, but I'll only keep eating healthy food, although for the last couple of days I've eaten junk food. It was fun while it lasted, but I've had enough of it now. It was all very sugary and starchy and you do get tired of that. I long for some normal food. I'm going to have mashed potatoes and vegetables tonight.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Tutto va bene...

2010-12-25T07:12:00.001+01:00

I'm sitting here with a cold glass of milk. I'm really on my way to get dressed, but couldn't yet quite pull myself away from the computer. It is early in the morning still and there's no need to rush. I have lots of time to do all sorts of things, such as wash my hair that for some reason is sticking up on one side where I slept on it. It makes me look lopsided and that won't do. I do have to present a balanced head to the world today.

It's very comfortable to sit here in my bathrobe and slippers with the heater on. I just turned up the thermostat, because I realized it was a little bit chilly in here. That's because I started drinking the cold milk which cooled me off. I had hot coffee before that. My hands are always cold, no matter how warm I am, but I've gotten used to that. At least my feet are warm, although I'm not wearing socks and my ankles are exposed. Oh my! That would have been a sin a 100 years ago. Imagine that. We've come a long way.

I've got the hiccups, so I must have swallowed some air in my eagerness to quench my thirst. I'll just try to ignore them and assume they'll go away of their own accord. I generally have some sort of side effect when I eat or drink. I've gotten used to that too. I do come with an instruction booklet, but all of my side effects are clear to me now and none of them surprise me anymore. Just as easily as something appears, it disappears again. I'm just an unexpectedly noisy person.

It will be nice to wash my hair with the lightening shampoo as it brightens up my hair with one washing. At least, that's what I always imagine. It may be the stars in my own eyes that make it look so. Maybe it is all suggestive and I only think it has gotten brighter. Odder things have happened. My eyebrows have gotten so light that they are hardly visible anymore and I don't darken them with a pencil. My eyelashes have gotten equally light. I suppose they are turning gray, although I keep telling myself that they are blond. I just get blonder as I get older. It's a miracle.

It is properly warm in here now and it won't be so bad to get dressed. I wasn't looking forward to changing my clothes while it was still cool in here. I'm no hero. I do like my comforts. I think it's bad enough to stand on the cold bathroom tiled floor in my bare feet. I try to get my socks on as quickly as possible. When I'm done getting dressed, I'm going to lie down on the sofa and take a nap. I've gotten up much too early and need to sleep more.

Merry Christmas!

Ciao,

Nora

Don't spare the details...

2010-12-23T19:07:00.001+01:00

It's been snowing non stop since late this morning and it's very pretty outside. Everything is beautifully white and pristine looking. Any tracks that are made in it are quickly covered up and softened in their contours. I like the snow and as long as it's coming down, I am happy. I keep looking out the window to see if it is snowing and am satisfied when I see it coming down still.

There's something magical about it. I feel like I did when I was a kid and it snowed. I wish I had one of my kids with me to go for a walk in the falling snow with. That would be a treat! Just like my father and I used to go for walks in the snow and go sledding in the park. I guess I want to recapture some of my childhood memories. Those are some of my happiest and I will not forget them. Maybe I'm getting a little bit demented and my old memories are starting to play a bigger role.

I got my hair cut this morning. It was such a nice experience. I wonder why I deprived myself of it so long. Oh yes, I didn't have the money for a while. Well, I'm going to make sure that I have the money the next time, come hell or high water.

I walked over there in the snow and when I got there, everyone was very busy. I waited for a while and then I was shown to the employees break room where I could have a coffee and a cigarette until it was my turn.

There was much walking in and out, because the open door to the break room was right at the end of the shop and it seemed that everyone needed a drag of a cigarette and a sip of coffee every so often. Much joking was going on and it was like one big happy family. The customers were as much part of this as the employees. I've been coming there for years, so I'm considered part of the family.

When it was my turn, I got my hair washed in wonderfully warm water by a girl with gentle hands, and I got my hair cut by Himself, the owner, and he cut it perfectly as per my instructions and aren't I happy about that? I didn't have to do a thing to it when I got home. He blew it dry and that was it, it was in place and didn't need gel or wax or hairspray. That's how I like my hair best. Uncomplicated.

One of the side effects of going to the hairdresser, is that I start speaking dialect and in that way I addressed Tyke when I came home and he seemed to like that very much, which is not surprising since he was a Limburger dog for the first 10 months of his life. At least, I assume so. Since then I've been speaking Dutch to him and no doubt he had to get used to that. It is another language and could be confusing to a dog.

I accidentally took a nap this afternoon. It was not in the planning, but I found that I needed one, even though I had not taken a tranquilizer. I thought it was making me sleepy in the afternoon, but it must be that I don't get enough sleep at night. I suppose that six hours isn't really enough and I need a few hours more. I was very comfortable on the sofa, on which I just fit. Tyke slept beside me and was good. Gandhi slept on my hip, although I don't see how she can be comfortable there. She clings to me.

You see how a very simple day can be very enjoyable. It's the small things that bring happiness. The totally every day little things that you can do for yourself. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Don't let it get to you...

2010-12-21T16:19:00.000+01:00

After getting up early this morning and writing a blog post and having coffee and lemonade, I went back to bed and slept until one o'clock. I got up in a hurry, because I was supposed to see my SPN at 2 o'clock, or so I thought. I looked in my agenda and saw that I should have been there right then at that very minute, so I called her straight away and made my apologies.

We were both disappointed, because it's not possible to have a satisfying conversation over the telephone. We just exchanged a few bits of information and wished each other a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I won't see her until January the 4th and that seems like a long time from now, although I know that it will go by quickly, like all the days do. I do miss her when I don't see her, as she is such a feature in my life. She's got a happy disposition and that has a very positive influence on me.

I do notice that I'm influenced by other people's attitudes. Put me in the room with anyone and I will start to feel like that person does at the moment and if they are happy or sad, I will be also, or negative or positive. I recently became very aware of that and want the negative and sad attitudes to influence me less and stay happy and positive myself, because that's really my true nature. I immediately cheer up when someone walks in with a happy story and become all smiles and grins and positive emotions. I think I have a lot of empathy and go too far in it.

I'm sitting here in my pajamas (a pair of gray cotton pants and a black T-shirt) and my slippers and I'm wearing my gray woolen cardigan over it. It's very warm and comfortable and I really look dressed, so if anyone comes to the door, I won't have to be embarrassed. I didn't feel like getting dressed. Tyke's been out back and is now lying on the dining table taking a nap. He's got an instant view of the outside world when he wakes up.

It's 2 degrees Celsius and the snow is melting a little bit, though it is hardly noticeable. Every once in a while a chunk falls off the roof or off a tree. Tonight it may rain and drizzle, which will make for a fine mess. I really hope it doesn't. I'd rather have the snow than a big mess of slush and ice.

Well, I must pay bills. It's that time of the month again.

Have a nice day, everyone.

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday morning...

2010-12-19T07:07:00.000+01:00

It's early Sunday morning and I have no business being up already. I will probably go back to bed later on, because I'm sure I'm not done sleeping and besides, what else is there to do on a Sunday morning if you don't go to church? I'd probably fall asleep in church too, unless there was a particularly exciting service, like there was at that Baptist church I attended one time in San Francisco. They had a live band and lots of singing. It was very joyous. What a way to worship!

Snow has fallen during the night and made everything look pretty again. It's taken out the worst bumps and holes in the existing snow and ice. So far it's virgin snow, except out back where Tyke has been. He has already played in it. There's supposed to be a bit more snow this morning and I'm looking forward to it, because I have no great plans for today.

Actually, it will be a lazy day today and I may not even get dressed. It is very tempting to only hang out in my bathrobe and watch television. Nobody is perfect and I'm certainly not on Sundays. I can do some chores, however, and get ready for tomorrow when the week starts up again. There are dishes and laundry to do, much as I'm not in the mood to do them, but maybe that will change later today. It's too early in the morning to think about them now. I must stay in the moment and enjoy myself now.

I've had my coffee and am now drinking cold juice. Coffee always makes me thirsty and juice is a great thirst quencher. The problem is that I can't get enough of it, but it does fill me up and pretty soon I'm burping very unladylike. It doesn't matter, because I'm the only one here, but it is uncomfortable while I wait for the release of multiple burps. It sounds like there's a monster living under my esophagus and it's struggling to get out. That's one of the joys of having a gastric band.

Today will be the 6th day that I'm on the lower dose of anti-psychotics. It's working out well so far and I don't miss the 2 mg that I'm not taking. I would like to stay on this dose for a month and see if I can reduce it more after that. With my psychiatrist's approval, of course. I'm also down to one low dose tranquilizer during the day. It's hardly anything at all and I can probably do without. I'm just playing it safe.

Well, I think I will go back to bed for a while. It is early in the morning still and not nearly time to start the day. It will be nice to sleep a while longer.

Have a good day, everyone.

Ciao,

Nora

Cold feet...

2010-12-17T07:31:00.000+01:00

When I last took Tyke out yesterday, there were a lot of puddles and wet slush that were hard to avoid. Needless to say, my new winter boots got very wet and so did my socks and by the time I got home I had cold feet. These boots were obviously not made for this kind of weather. I should have worn galoshes. I took my boots and my socks off right away and put them to dry on the radiator in the bathroom and put my warm slippers on.

Since then It has become a lot colder and it has snowed and there is now a layer of a couple of inches. It looks very pretty and we may get some more today. It's going to stay cold anyway. Tyke will have a wonderful time again when I take him out. I assume it's slippery under the snow, so I will have to wear those boots again so as to not slip and fall. They did function well in that capacity. I just hope they stay dry and that I'm not going to be walking around in wet socks again.

In agreement with my psychiatrist, I have decreased the dose of anti-psychotics that I'm taking as of Tuesday. I did this because the dose I was on was making me tired and sleepy. It got to be a problem, because every time I took them, I wanted to lie down and go to sleep. I now take the lower dose spread out over three times during the day and it's working out a lot better. I don't really notice that I've taken a tablet, I don't feel sleepy and tired anymore. I haven't noticed any adverse effects yet, but it's probably to early to tell. I may notice something later when I've been on this dose for a while.

In order to get the proper vitamins and roughage, I ate carrots and peas last night. It was not such a big success, though, because I microwaved them too long. I didn't read the instructions on the bag because I didn't have my reading glasses handy and I pretty much nuked them to death. I ate about half of them anyway, the ones that were edible, and threw the rest away. I will be more careful tonight. I had imagined juicy carrots, but they were kind of dry, not to speak of the shriveled up peas.

Last night was my television night and I didn't go to bed until nearly 11 o'clock. There are a few programs on that I've started to watch and that I find interesting enough to stay up for. I find that once I do go to bed, I'm really ready to and I sleep better. I actually think that 11 o'clock is a good bedtime for me and that's when I should always go. I need to look through the TV Guide and find some more interesting programs to watch. No doubt I'll find something to occupy me until it's time to go to bed. It's good to have a steady schedule to stick to so your body and mind know what to expect.

It's Friday again and the semi-start of the weekend. I will try not to waste it this time with sitting around in my bathrobe, as tempting as that is. I must remember to act like they are just ordinary days and that I must behave like I do any other day of the week. I must not make such a big exception because it's the weekend. My attitude counts for a lot too.

I'm going to get the day started. I hope you have a great one yourself.

Ciao,

Nora

Late at night...

2010-12-15T02:13:00.000+01:00

Here I am sitting late at night, totally not in the mood to go to bed, because I took a nap earlier in the evening. It was a miscalculation on my part, but I got so sleepy after dinner that I could not keep my eyes open. It was in reaction to my anti-psychotics that have been making me very sleepy lately and I think it's time to start cutting back on them. That's something I need to discuss with my psychiatrist, of course, and I will send him an email, because we don't have an appointment until January the 11th.

I had a good day and I was busy enough to keep me out of serious trouble. There were a couple of millimeters of snow when I woke up in the morning, so nothing spectacular, but it looked pretty anyway and it was cold outside when I took Tyke for a walk. There was a cold wind blowing and no sunshine yet and I was uncomfortable despite the fact that I was dressed warm. I suppose I dislike the wind the most in the wintertime. It makes it feel so much colder than it actually is.

The Exfactor showed up some time in the morning when I had fallen asleep on the sofa (the anti-psychotics) and I immediately made a pot of coffee, so I could come to my senses and the Exfactor could have something warm to drink, although he doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold on his motorcycle with all the thick layers he is dressed in. He has to peel some of them off when he gets here. He seems to be pretty hardy.

I had already made a shopping list and it was surprisingly short. I kept looking at it to see if I had forgotten something, but I couldn't think of a thing. Those were really the only things I needed. Now that I buy the dog food on line in large quantities, it saves on having to buy the smaller bags at the grocery store all the time. I also make other things last a long time once I have them in the refrigerator and the cupboards, so sometimes I really just don't need a lot of groceries.

I walked Tyke while the Exfactor did the groceries and he was back before I was. Together we put things away and were done in no time. We had another cup of coffee and then he was off to the library.

Shortly after that I left to go see my SPN. I went by bike, because the roads weren't bad and safe enough to ride on. The weather had gotten a little bit milder, so I wasn't as cold and I was there in ten minutes.

We had a productive conversation and talked about life after the personal helpers and took the first steps toward securing that. I will discuss this more as I come to find out more about it. She wants me to become more independent and to get out of the apartment more and be around other people. Which I can see the sense of.

On the way home I went by the pharmacy and collected my medicines that the delivery boy never brought by. I didn't ask them why that hadn't happened. I was just glad they were there and that there had not been some sort of hitch in faxing the prescriptions. It must have been a case of miscommunication.

Tyke was full of joy when I came home. He always is and thinks that I have forsaken him forever when I'm gone. By this time it was 3:30 in the afternoon and I was ready for a cup of coffee and a time out. I sat in my armchair and watched the news, which is very sad at the moment and keeps us all occupied. Maybe you have read about it in your papers. It's a pedophile case of enormous proportions involving very young children.

I got notice that my boots are finally going to be delivered in the afternoon. It's about time and they will be here just before the rest of the snow, which will be here on Thursday.

I'm going to have to go to sleep some time tonight, but I don't know when that is going to be. I am very much awake. I will have to find some way to occupy myself. No doubt I can think of something. There's always some sort of trouble to get into.

Have a good night or a good morning.

Ciao.

Nora

Enjoy the day...

2010-12-12T14:34:00.000+01:00

I was up earlier this morning, but after I wrote a blog post for 'Miss Daisy' I decided to go back to bed for a while and sleep a bit longer. I'm glad I did, because now I feel like I'm really ready to face the day, especially since a good part of it is already behind me.

So, now I'm up for the second time, having a cup of coffee and very nice it tastes too. I feel more optimistic than the first time I was up and have decided to only concentrate on the positive side of things, instead of worrying about what I'm not doing right. I will pay special attention to whatever is good in my day and not to whatever is lacking.

I will also do my chores without having a panic attack. I will calm myself down and analyze the situation before I do anything and work through it in my head first. I will try to find out why I get so intimidated by simple things in the weekends, when I'm perfectly able to do them during the week.That way I won't be like an ostrich with its head stuck in the sand.

I do feel better than I did yesterday, though, and I have more hope in my heart. I think the fact that I'm not faced with two endlessly empty days is the cause of that. I can easily get through today, because there's so little left of it and I will be able to fill it, and tomorrow things will be back to normal. My Belgian personal helper will be here (the one with the French accent) and so will the Monday domestic help. I'm already looking forward to seeing them.

For a change it is not so cold outside and all of the snow and ice are gone and all of the streets and sidewalks are completely visible. This is the last day of mild weather, though, and tonight the winter cold returns. Some time next week it is going to snow again. The predictions about when that is keep changing. It may happen Monday night, but for certain on Thursday. It's like I said, I don't mind the snow, it's the ice underneath that I don't care for. I must try to keep the sidewalk in front of the apartment clean before the ice gets a chance to form.

The coffee is all gone and I'll switch to lemonade next. I have to be thrifty with the milk because I only have a certain amount left until the Exfactor goes to the store on Tuesday. I don't want to run out of milk for my coffee. I do have powdered creamer, but we all know that doesn't taste very good compared to milk. It's not surprising when you put on your reading glasses and read the ingredients on the label. You wonder how they came up with it.

I just fed the animals because they were both standing in the kitchen by their empty bowls. One second they have food and the next it is all gone. Tyke is chowing down on his kibbles. He was going to the shelf system, sniffing at the bag of dog food which he only does if he is really hungry. He couldn't give a clearer signal.

Gandhi is drinking a small bowl of milk. I have to give her just enough to satisfy her, otherwise the rest goes sour. She has a bowl of water too, but very often she drinks from Tyke's water bowl. She thinks she's his wife anyway, she's constantly bonding with him.

I've got to do a load of laundry and put clean laundry away. I will be in the proper mood for that now. I will not be intimidated.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,

Nora

Full of early morning...

2010-12-06T07:35:00.001+01:00

I've just made myself a cup of coffee in my favorite cup. I washed it especially after I used it yesterday. I wanted to drink from it because it gives me just the right amount of coffee and I can finish it before it turns completely cold. There's nothing worse than drinking cold coffee or having to pour it down the kitchen sink. That's why those big mugs don't work for me. I can never finish those before half of the coffee is cold. I wonder if anyone ever does?

The trash men have come and gone and Tyke didn't bark at them, which is good, because I didn't want him to wake up the neighbors. He was awfully alert when they stopped here and made all their noise. I think he has gotten used to the routine that they come here every Monday morning and no longer sees them as invaders.

I had thought of taking a shower first, but it's awfully early still and I have lots of time. The idea of standing under the shower right now is not very appealing, because I'm so nice and warm in my bathrobe and it is never warm enough in the bathroom. I'm postponing it until the apartment is really warm enough. I do have to work up my courage.

I think I've figured out what I'm going to wear today and that is without looking in my closet first. That's going strictly by memory, which is quite a feat. I may change my mind once I've looked in my closet and seen what is actually there. Lord only knows what possibilities exist. If my imagination works well today, I may put together a number of outfits. I have to act like it really matters. I can't be happy with just any old outfit. Some thought needs to be put into it. For my own sake, because I have to care enough about myself.

As daylight grows closer, the stress of life starts to creep up on me too. I think of all the things I have to take care of and all the things that can possibly go wrong and that I may not have control over and I worry and feel a knot in my stomach. Possibly I think of the worst case scenarios and I assume other people are incompetent, but isn't that the way it goes? I prepare myself for the worst and get ready to deal with it, all the while dreading it. I never assume that everything will be okay, while really in most cases everything works out fine, but I don't know if that's because I'm vigilant or because they would have anyway.

I must go and take a shower. Oh, I've got to pick out my clothes first. That will be a fun job. Let's see what jumps out of the closet and grabs me.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Simple thoughts...

2010-12-05T06:32:00.000+01:00

It's early in the morning and I'm having my second cup of coffee. I'm drinking it from the blue cup with the white speckles that has my name on it. I would actually like all my coffee cups to have my name on it and I'm planning on only buying cups like that from now on. I will have to go to touristy places where they sell such things and where they ask an arm and a leg for them, but that doesn't matter. It will be a hobby.

Outside it is raining and it is slowly melting the snow and ice. We're supposed to have more of that today. It will be a relief to have clean streets and sidewalks again. It's a bit of a mess right now, though. I'd hate to have to go walk in it. There's a lot of slush and there are many puddles and Tyke and I would be soaking wet in no time. I think it's better to stay home today.

When I was watching TV last night I fell asleep with my head resting in my hand. I completely missed the news, which is why I had turned the TV on. I was watching a consumer program and apparently it didn't hold my attention well enough or I was too tired. I decided to go to bed straight away and was sound asleep almost as soon as I got under the duvet.

I certainly don't have any problems falling asleep at night. There is the occasional exception like there was Friday night when I didn't get tired and stayed up forever and I experienced that as extremely unpleasant. It messes you up the next day and you just don't get into your regular rhythm. I was dragging through the day yesterday and didn't write a post for any of my blogs. I simply lacked the energy to. My mood wasn't all that great either. All that because I didn't get enough sleep at the right time. Those are not very good nights, even if I try to convince myself otherwise. Common sense is there for a reason. It makes you do sensible things.

Because I've been under the weather, I haven't done anything exciting. On top of that, it's been the weekend when nothing much exciting happens anyway. My headache is gone and my sore throat is almost better, but I still have a terrible ache in my shoulder. I think that's my normal sore shoulder and may have nothing to do with illness. Aspirin doesn't make that any better. I'd have to take something anti-inflammatory. I wonder if ibuprofen would do the trick? Any suggestions?

I just let Tyke out back. It's still raining and it's cold outside too. Very miserable weather. Not the kind you want to voluntarily go out in. I wouldn't know how to dress for it. I don't think I have the proper clothes. It's 2 degrees Celsius, but it feels like minus 9. Brrr... and with this rain too. I can think of more pleasant circumstances. I think I liked the snow better.

I must go and read some blogs. I have no other news. Life is that boring.

Ciao,

Nora

Winter wonderland.

2010-12-02T16:53:00.000+01:00

I've wasted the afternoon with calculating the price of dog food at the on line pet store and picking out the best additional insurance package to augment my basic medical insurance that I could afford. First I ordered a big bag of dog food on line at a considerable savings. I then tried to do the whole insurance process on line, like they suggested, only to get stymied at the last step repeatedly. The page would not load.

I finally ended up calling my insurance company and took care of it over the phone, but was told that they were having problems with their computers, so I hope it will all be dealt with properly before January 1st. That's when I will be able to get my completely free glasses and when the new policy is supposed to be valid. I should get all the paperwork before that time.

I also canceled my membership to a Public Broadcasting group because I'm trying to rob Peter to pay Paul. I'm already saving a lot of money on dog food, because Tyke was eating the best canned kind and it was expensive. I also canceled my land line and only use my mobile phone sparingly. It's time for cutbacks.

All morning long it snowed and a new layer of snow lies over the slippery ice making it much easier to walk on, although it is still a bit treacherous and you do have to watch out and not walk with confidence. If you do, you stand a chance to slip. I wore my too small hiking boots when I walked Tyke and when I went to the tobacco shop, but because I wore them for such a short time, they didn't bother me and as far as I can tell, I don't have a blister.

Things looked real pretty when the sun came out in the afternoon. The snow sparkled and was very white, but it's still very cold outside. A good thing is that the wind has almost stopped blowing. That makes the cold much more bearable. I still need a snow hat, though, and I have static hair when I take it off. I look real good then.

Gandhi and Tyke are both asleep on the dining table so you can see what kind of a household this is. It's the household of the famous Dutch painter Jan Steen, you can look him up and get an idea.

I'm expecting my boots between 6 and 9 pm, so I really need to go and walk Tyke now. It's starting to get dark outside too and I want to get that done before the sun sets completely. I'm especially nervous, I don't know why. I feel like something is about to happen and I need to crawl into my shell like a tortoise. I netter go and get my boots on.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Is that it?

2010-11-30T17:49:00.000+01:00

We in town have a sorry excuse for what is supposed to be a winter landscape. What little snow there was has almost completely been downtrodden and turned into ice. The same thing happened on the streets, except for the busier roads that are kept clean. Now it's snowing again, so there's going to be fresh snow on the icy patches, making it dangerous to walk on. It's always something...

This morning after I walked Tyke, I realized I had locked myself out of the apartment. I didn't have my mobile phone with me either. I knew that the Exfactor was going to come over and he always has keys to the apartment with him, so I decided to wait for him, but he didn't show up. I went to my neighbors to use their phone and called my sister, but she wasn't home. I called her at work and asked her to call the Exfactor whose number I didn't know by heart. She had it stored in her mobile phone, luckily. She called me back a few minutes later to say that he would be at the apartment in an hour.

The neighbors were great and fed me Senseo coffee and gave me cigarettes and visited with me while I waited. I got to know them a lot better. She is 78 and he is 87. They are both in fair enough shape and quick of mind. I hope I do as well when I'm that age. So you see what a pleasant interlude forgetting your keys leads to.

The Exfactor finally showed up an hour and a half later. It turned out that he had taking the fun way to get here and had taken all the hard to ride roads that weren't cleaned of snow and that even had potholes and frozen puddles, because he wanted to test his skills. He does pick his moments.

He did fix my tire and had to walk to the discount store to get a new outer tire and he bought a bottle of discount perfume at the same time of which I vaguely remembered the name. He called me from the store to make sure he got the right one and he said it smelled like musk, so I knew that was the one I wanted.

He also did the groceries and he got Tyke a new kind of dried food which is called Life Plus Nutrition and Tyke likes it very much, so we finally have found the right kind of dog food. Gandhi was trying to eat it too and Tyke very carefully guarded his dish until he was all done eating. She didn't stand a chance. Poor cat!

I wasn't wearing my glasses today and paid the price for it and got very dizzy when I got up from the dining table where I had been making cigarettes. I must learn the hard way. I put them on immediately and will try to not forget them again.

It's going to be 17F tonight, but it's going to feel like -2F, so it's going to be very cold, which will make all the skating fanatics very happy. There will be much skating on natural ice.

I've got to walk Tyke again. Brrr...

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

On the road again...

2010-11-29T08:15:00.002+01:00

I've got my second cup of very fresh coffee, as opposed to left over, heated up coffee from the microwave, and I've just turned up the thermostat, because I had sufficiently cooled off from the enormous hot flash that I had woken up with. The fact that I was cold didn't dawn on me immediately, until I realized I was quite uncomfortable and that my hands were freezing.

I slept well, although I woke up twice at odd hours, but both times I went back to sleep. I was determined to sleep through the night. I always feel very satisfied if I do and worthy of compliments, which I give myself. When there's no one around to give them to you, you have to do that yourself. When you live on your own, you do have to become your own cheerleader and say to yourself, "Job well done!"

Since it's Monday now, it's back to business and I'm finished with the unstructured life of the weekend, which is probably better for me. I pretend to like that about the weekends, but I don't think it's all that great for me. I do fall into the bad habit of not sleeping when I should and staying up at the wrong times, and then trying to rectify that by sleeping during the day, which is deadly, because I am so very much a person who does need to live according to a schedule. I need to pay better attention to that in the weekends and not let myself slide into bad habits as if it doesn't matter.

The coffee tastes especially good this morning, but that may be because I was more than ready for a cup. Not that I had that many cobwebs in my head when I got up. On the contrary, I was pretty clearheaded and got the show on the road pretty fast. I wasn't even daunted by the fact that I had to open a new package of coffee and empty it into the glass cannisters, and that I had to open a new package of filters and put them in the box that I keep them in. Sometimes those are frustrating jobs when all you want is a fresh cup of coffee. Those things can drive me to distraction at other times.

I think I'm just relieved that it's Monday and that I can expect normal things to happen again. There will be people coming and going and my day will be filled and busy. I will look forward to the time I spend on my own when there's no one around. I get the best of both worlds.

It's 28F outside and that's how warm it's going to be today. We're actually expecting a little bit of snow tonight, but it isn't supposed to amount to much. It may not officially be winter yet, but as far as I'm concerned it has started.

It's becoming dawn and that brings my responsibilities with it. I must do some chores and take a shower and pick out the clothes I'm going to wear. I will feel better once I get these things done. They're the stressful little jobs that cause me anxiety. It's best to face them head on.

I will have a terrific day. I hope you do too.

Ciao,

Nora

First things first...

2010-11-27T15:48:00.000+01:00

The first thing I did this morning after I'd had my coffee and walked Tyke, was go back to bed and sleep some more. As a matter of fact, I slept well past noontime. That's because I only had 6 hours of sleep last night. It had been my intention to go to bed early, but I had turned on the television when I was already in my pajamas and bathrobe and got involved in watching it. The best television is late at night and although the repeats are on in the morning, I couldn't resist watching the live broadcast of a journalistic talk show that had on interesting guests. That had me going to bed past midnight. You see why I don't do this every night.

I needed coffee when I got up this afternoon. I had to walk Tyke again, but I was not capable of it right away. Tyke sat longingly in front of the living room window and couldn't wait to go. The coffee almost did the trick. I put on my coat when I thought I couldn't put it off any longer and the fresh cold air woke me up properly. It could also be that my medicines had started to work by then. I took them right when I got up and probably they started to work right when I got home again. I felt a heck of a lot better anyway. I was not the grumpy and discombobulated person that I was earlier.

Tyke is back on his perch in front of the window and I think he's going to sleep there. I hope he doesn't fall off the table. I'm having another cup of coffee and a cigarette. I'm dressed very warm in a cardigan that I haven't worn yet this season. It is a thick black one and it's almost too warm to wear inside, so I have the heater turned down low. I do make these discoveries in my closet of forgotten clothes. That's because the light in that room is not very good and it is a mystery what is in the closet. I have to walk up to the window to find out what color things are. I have worn green leggings that I thought were dark blue and brown pants that I thought were olive green.

Needless to say, the afternoon is moving on steadily and the day is getting away from me. There's no need to panic however and have feelings of guilt. I'm spending the time as I want and without the least amount of pressure, as is befitting for the weekend. The thing to do is to get through it without the least amount of stress. I do have to keep that in mind. That's the main objective. Sometimes I need to give myself a pep talk to keep me heading in the right direction in case I get stuck along the way. There's no sense in getting stuck in the little potholes in the road.

I see we have a mailman today and he is laden down with mail. I'll have to go check the mailbox, though I'm not expecting anything important. It is one of the responsibilities of being a grown up. You do not leave your mail lying in the mailbox indefinitely, especially not when the mailmen have just been on strike for two days. I hope their action bears fruit, but I doubt it very seriously. I'm afraid those lay offs are going to happen and the old fashioned mailman will be a thing of the past. Upper management will be rewarded as generously as usual, of course. I'm sure there will be lots of bonuses as reward for the sensible decisions made and the brave deeds done.

I wish you all a good Saturday and I hope the weather is treating you kindly. There is no snow here yet, although there has been in other parts of the country. We're not expecting snow until Wednesday. That will be soon enough.

Ciao,

Nora

Coming down the mountain...

2010-11-25T17:26:00.000+01:00

I've just come in from walking Tyke in the gray and damp afternoon cold. It is not snowing yet, but tonight it will be. It will just be cold enough for it. We're expecting a flurry, whatever I'm to understand that is. I suppose I will witness that tonight. I'll get to see what a flurry of snow looks like and if it stays on the ground, because that's the big question. It may actually melt, because the ground may not be cold enough yet. It does have to freeze a little bit harder for the snow to stay. It's going to be 30F, so that's not all that cold. We're expecting lower temperatures in the weekend and more snow. Maybe it will be a winter wonderland.

Tyke's taking a nap on the dining table. he's decided that this is his new hang out place. He wants to sit in front of the living room windows and watch the world go by. He tries to get from the arm chair to the table and sometimes manages it, but because I think that's so dangerous, and because I don't want any accidents, I have pulled out a dining chair for him to climb on to get on the table. He sits perched on the table and looks out the window and is completely happy. He can watch children walk by and other dogs and watch cars drive by. It's all wonderful to him. It's like watching television and he's easily amused.

After I walked him this morning, I decided that I was very sleepy and got the red fleece blanket and laid down on the sofa and went sound to sleep. I woke up just before the Exfactor got here. He looked at the flat tire of my bicycle and decided that the inner tube couldn't just be patched, but that I needed a new tire and a new inner tube, so he's going to get those for me and put them on next week. Apparently the tire itself was also in bad shape and was worn down to the thread. I was lucky that I wasn't underway when the tire went flat. I would have had to walk the bike home and that's always a pain in the neck.

I did chores after the Exfactor left and got the apartment in decent shape again. Sometimes I have lazy days when I don't do anything important and then I have to catch up the next day. There are always things to do and there is no rest for the wicked, no matter how well they behave themselves. I dried some laundry on the radiators. They were clothes that I'm planning on wearing tomorrow, although it's not as if I don't have a closet full of clothes. I just had my heart set on these clothes, so I wanted them dry. I'm planning on wearing a long cardigan that I haven't worn in a while and I needed the clothes to go under it.

After I had lunch, I sat down in my armchair and promptly fell asleep. I woke up one hour later with a kink in my neck. My glasses had fallen off and landed on the little table beside the chair. I decided what I needed more than anything was a cup of coffee, so I made a pot of that. I also had to walk Tyke, which I did after I had the coffee and had come to my senses again. I did finally feel like I'd had enough sleep. Why I'd needed as much as I did is a mystery to me, although I did have a short night. I had just been talking about personal rhythms on my other blog and how everybody has their own individual one. I thought I had mine figured out, but it never ceases to surprise me. Hopefully, I'll be back to normal by tomorrow.

Tyke has eaten his dinner and is full of vigor now, He wants me to play ball with him, so I suppose that's what I'll be doing now.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Once more with feeling...

2010-11-24T19:39:00.000+01:00

The afternoon is coming to an end and the sun is setting. There are gray rainclouds in the sky, but no rain is falling from them now. The streetlights are on. In the living room I have some of the lamps on and my desk light. I'm drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. I just woke up from a long nap and need the caffeine.

Tyke wants me to play ball with him, but I'm trying to ignore him. He wants to play ball every time I sit down here. Instead I've let him sit on the dining table so he can look out the window and that's very fascinating to him. It gives me some peace and quiet. Bribery works well.

I took a nap, because for a change I was up in the middle of the night and I don't do that anymore lately. It surprised me and I knew I would have to sleep today to catch up. I slept in my bed and was sound asleep for more than two hours. I had a whole forest full of cobwebs in my head when I woke up and knew I needed coffee and made some as soon as I could. Luckily, the first cup woke me right up and I can think clearly again and I even know my name.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, it was raining and it was cold and the cold stayed on for the rest of the day. It was a watery cold that goes straight through your bones. Thankfully, I have that thick coat and I wear it constantly now and would not want to be without it. There's wet snow predicted for tonight, so things will be slushy. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere.

I had to walk to my appointment with my SPN this morning, because I had a flat tire on my bike. I got there ten minutes late, because I didn't discover the flat tire on time. Luckily, she's within walking distance and I didn't have to take the bus. The Exfactor is going to patch the tire tomorrow. He has the materials to do it and he's very good at patching tires (I said very innocently).

Going somewhere on foot takes longer, but it's a more pleasant way to get around in the cold, because you're not so exposed to the elements. I prefer it to riding my bike. I did have to wear my gloves and could have used a hat, except that I was already having a bad hair day and didn't want to make it worse by having it scrunched by a snow hat.

I do have to make an appointment to have my hair cut. There's no way around it. I hate to spend the money, but I don't like looking like a fool. Or worse, a ripened middle aged woman with an average haircut who everybody says ma'am to, like what happened today. But maybe I should see it as an acknowledgement of my status. That's another way of looking at it. Maybe my glasses make me look distinguished. I should think more about status. That's a whole new aspect I haven't looked at yet. Mmm...

You see, there's always something to contemplate and some new way of looking at things. If you're open to life, every day can be a new lesson and everybody you meet can be a teacher. You just need to keep your eyes and ears wide open and be ready to learn something new. It can come from the most unexpected sources at the most unexpected moments. Right, I'm full of wisdom today...

I have to walk the dog. He is patiently lying at my feet. We have to go out there in the cold. Brrr... It's not something I'm looking forward to and it's only going to get worse.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora

For Pete's sake!

2010-11-23T16:31:00.001+01:00

It's already in the afternoon and I'm just now getting around to writing a post. I have been occupied doing other things and I slept late this morning, giving me a slow start that was kind of pleasant. I didn't rush into things, but took my merry time to wake up and rejoin the living. I had to have sufficient amounts of coffee to function well and I had to get dressed at one point, because I was expecting a package and the Exfactor.

The package came first. In it were the toys I had ordered for Tyke and they were a great success, except that he managed to destroy one almost immediately no matter how indestructible it was claimed to be. I thought he was having an awfully good time with it, until I realized he was chewing it to pieces. I had to throw that away in the trash. Luckily, it had not been very expensive, but it does go to show you how determined Tyke is.

The Exfactor showed up next and we sat and had coffee (more coffee). He told me all about the flat tire he'd had on his motorcycle and the trouble he'd had to go through to get it fixed. It had been quite an operation, with not only having to track down the right size inner tube, but having to patch it up as well after he had put it in place and was trying to pump it up. It sounded like slapstick comedy, except that it happened to a nice person and you really didn't want to laugh about it.

Anyway, he went out on my bike and spent precious money at the grocery store, which bill seems to be higher every time I turn around. I checked the cash register receipt and can only conclude that living is expensive and you shouldn't do too much of it. As frugally as I live, it's still not frugal enough and I need to cut out even more expenses. There are to be no more extras at all.

That's a darn shame, because I really need to have my eyes checked and that is no longer in my insurance package. I know my right eye has gotten worse. I may need to get new glasses and I'd have to pay for them myself. I'll have to see how I solve that problem. I'm sure there will be some solution around the corner. There always is. I have to keep seeing the glass half full. In this case I have to keep seeing my glasses half full. Ha!

I had not been wearing my glasses and I was getting dizzy again. Not when I got up out of bed in the morning, but during the day if I got up out of a chair. I started wearing my glasses again and hopefully will solve the problem this way. It usually helps if I haven't worn them for a while. Vanity bites me in the butt and I leave them off, but I always regret it. I'm such a vain woman. I ought to be embarrassed about that. Someone ought to talk some sense into me.

I've played ball with Tyke with his new rubber ball with the bell in it. He likes it very much, but I'm glad we are done now and I can take a break. It seems an endless game at times and it does get repetitive. Especially since I have to wrestle the ball away from him and that is always so much work. It's nice when he gets tired and decides to rest a while. I don't touch that ball when I see signs of tiredness. It would never end if I did.

I've taken a tranquilizer about two hours ago, because I was noticing signs of unrest and discomfort. I had a strong nagging feeling that something was really wrong. That is gone now and I feel fine. It's going to be difficult to stop taking this one during the day and I don't know if I will manage it. There is always a point at which I start to feel stressed and uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with it. It is due to the circumstances I find myself under and can't do a thing about. I do get worried a lot. It's in the nature of the beast.

I forgot to go on the bathroom scale this morning like I was planning to. I like to go on it first thing in the morning in my underwear before I've had any coffee or juice. I figure that is my truest weight. I don't know if I've lost any more weight lately. I think I'm stuck, no matter what I eat. That's why I want to go on the scale. I'm fighting a losing battle with these medicines I take, which have a tendency to make you gain weight. Anything extra I eat goes to my stomach in the way of fat. It's very frustrating. I will try to remember to weigh myself tomorrow morning. Maybe I will be the weight that the Obesitas Specialist said I should realistically expect to be. That would be a nice thing.

I have to make cigarettes and then walk Tyke. There was a little bit of rain this afternoon, but it has stopped now. We're expecting snow at the end of the week. The weatherman was quite excited. I suppose I am a little bit. I'll have to think about it.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

What the heck...

2010-11-22T06:45:00.000+01:00

I don't have to be ready to see anyone until about 10:45 am, so I have lots of time to sit here with my morning coffee and write an 'early in the day' post. The coffee tastes great and I am really and truly awake, but then I was from the moment I got up. That's because I had enough sleep, as I went to bed early last night and fell asleep almost instantly. I don't even remember what I was listening to on the radio.

Yesterday was a totally uneventful day. The only highlights were that I took Tyke for his walks in my very warm winter coat with the sheepskin lining. No wind from the east can blow through it. It keeps me perfectly warm. I had almost forgotten that I had that coat, because it wasn't hanging on the coat rack. I had it on a hanger on the side of my closet where it was out of sight and out of mind, until yesterday when I started looking for it, because it was cold outside.

Like I said, it was a totally uneventful day and I even took a big nap in the middle of it. No doubt I needed that and it was a very nice thing to do on a Sunday that was so quiet and peaceful. I did actually watch television, and as is usual on Sundays, there were a lot of sports on. I must have watched every sport that was played this weekend around the world. That's exaggerating it a little bit, but they do manage to fill the day with it.

It's an amusing way to spend the time, because they never show a whole game or event, but just the highlights of them. So you get the best of everything. You see all the exciting action from the football games without having to sit through all the boring parts. And the best races from the speed skating.

I spent some time behind the computer, but much less than I usually do. For some reason I wasn't really in the mood for it. I couldn't keep my attention focused on it. I will get caught up over the next couple of days.

Tyke and I played ball and I pretended there was just one ball instead of the three that were lying around. I could have grabbed any one of them, but only tried to get the one he had, because that made it so exciting to him. He does enjoy that game very much and we play it until he's worn out. I throw the ball from the living room into the bedroom and he chases after it and fetches it. I'm supposed to wrestle the ball away from him. It's a good thing that I don't have downstairs neighbors.

I was supposed to have put clean sheets on my bed, but I was too lazy to ever get around to it and I didn't remember it until I got ready to go to bed and then was too tired to do it, so I must do that today. There's a clean load of laundry in the washing machine that I need to hang up and there's dry laundry that I need to fold up and put away.

Actually, you're not supposed to do any housework on Sundays, so it's not that awful that I didn't get around to it. It is officially a day of rest. In the Netherlands it still is. Thank goodness for that. Nobody needs to feel guilty if they take the day off. See how that very conveniently takes a load off my shoulders?

The trash men have come and gone. It's time to start the day. I must take my medicines and clean up the kitchen, though I think that it's much too early for that, really. I'd much rather sit here for a while yet with a glass of juice.

Have a really terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

White swans, black swans...

2010-11-20T10:11:00.000+01:00

I've had my cup of coffee and my glass of juice and now I'm having a tall glass of cold milk and it couldn't be more welcome. The coffee and the juice didn't settle well and I was quite uncomfortable, until I did a huge burp and I felt everything drain down to my stomach. Apparently things had gotten stuck in front of the opening of the gastric band. That huge burp made room for the milk, which is going down much easier. There's nothing worse than having air trapped in the little space that's pretending to be your stomach.

I will have to make more coffee, because one cup is not going to do it. It barely woke me up. I'm not at full speed yet. There are cobwebs in my mind that I need to wash away with a nice fresh cup of coffee. I'm brewing a pot right now and it will be done shortly. That ought to wake me up properly and if it doesn't, I'm going back to bed to sleep some more. It is Saturday, after all, and I can do as I please. Or so I tell myself.

I ordered a new dog pillow for Tyke to lie on at the on line pet shop yesterday. Of course, I picked the color to match the interior of the living room and the color of his fur, so it is black. I hope it is as nice as it seemed to be on the picture. The dimensions seemed good and like it would be big enough for him. I also hope that he takes to it and that he doesn't ignore it like the soft blanket that I put on the floor for him.

Well, he didn't really ignore it so much as make a complete mess of it and then lie on top of that all wrinkled and bundled up. At least he won't be able to do that with this pillow. It should be here in a few days. I didn't have to pay a delivery charge, which I thought was pretty decent of them at the price. These pillows are very expensive at the regular pet shops, so I think I got a good deal.

Tyke was lying on the bed this morning, waiting for me to wake up, and scooted up and slobbered my face when I did. That's such a nice greeting. It's good that somebody is really happy to see me in the morning. Gandhi is too, of course, but she's more interested in what food I will give her,while her dish is still full of kibbles. She thinks she's supposed to eat dog food all day long because she loves it so much. She does barf it up, as her delicate stomach can't handle it at all, but that does not deter her from gobbling it down. I think the keyword in this is 'gobbling.' She better stick to her dry kibbles.

That on line Pet Shop is a wonderful place to visit, because they literally have everything there. You could easily spend a small fortune there in order to make your dog happy. To make yourself happy with all the things you got for your dog. Luckily they have a wish list on which you can put all the things you can't afford right now, but may want to get later. Or that you can email to people as ideas for presents for Christmas or your birthday, which is still a long time from now. Woe is me! There need to be other days to use as excuses to get presents. I think they have the right idea in the States where any holiday is an opportunity to exchange gifts. Listen to me, pleading for commercialization of the holidays, because I'm so greedy.

That makes me think of Christmas and the fact that it is only a month away from now and it seems impossible. I don't think anybody is ready for it this year. The season sort of seems to have sneaked up on us. Of course, I haven't been downtown to get in the proper mood, because no doubt it is all decked out in lights and everything and every day and every evening the stores are open for Christmas shopping. I must go down there and get a taste of it and bring my camera, but I know I'll probably end up not going, because I need money and a good excuse and I have neither. Maybe I need to make a date with someone there on a heated terrace. That would be a good excuse to go.

Well, Tyke tells me it is time to go for a walk, so I must get dressed and go. I can't keep the little guy waiting unnecessarily.

Have a really great day!

Ciao,

Nora